Being a good dad was definitely not being found unconscious on the side of the road.
I woke up in a hospital bed.
I had failed to uphold any of my values the night before and am lucky I'm not dead because of it.
Being a good Christian meant not drinking an entire bottle of liquor in less than an hour.
Being financially stable didn't quite fit in with being too so incoherent I couldn't remember anything.
Being mentally stable also meant not drinking if I knew I couldn't handle liquor's effect on me.
Being honest didn't make sense until this morning.
I had glanced at the discharge papers I'd received from the hospital. Alcohol use disorder was the diagnosis. Until that moment I really didn't think I had a problem. I knew people said I'd had a problem but enough people were certain everyone can have one drink and that I was 'fine' that I agreed with the latter for the most part. I know it's ridiculous that it's taken me this long to realize I had a problem and really admit it, but just like with everything else in my life, I had to learn the hard way.
Value #5: Being honest. I can't handle alcohol in my system. Not anywhere, any time, or for any reason. One drink for me meant spending the rest of the time trying to drink myself into oblivion.
I felt toxic. Aside from feeling nauseated all day, the worst part of the hangover was the shame. I had made a list in my head of every reason my choice to go drink was an awful idea. Common sense would have been to not do the stupid thing considering I already knew it was a bad idea. I didn't know what value that would've fit under.
Unfortunately I had developed a bad habit of purposefully following through with bad ideas.
I wanted to turn my life around and I knew that I could. I knew I needed something stronger than my own willpower for those moments when I caught myself facing my own bad habits and the like. I turned to God, and last night I couldn't have been farther from him. Being a good Christian had flown right out the window.
I remember taking a quiz on Facebook about 'What Jesus says when you make him face-palm'. My result, of course, was to lay off the liquor.
I wanted to pray but didn't know how to begin. I used to fold my hands and kneel by my bed with my eyes closed, but today I felt like closing my eyes would put me right to sleep. Especially if I thinking about giving all of my troubles to Jesus. It'd be such a relief. I had too much to do and sleep wasn't an option, so I typed it out.
I always felt like I was leaving a voicemail when I prayed in the past, but today I felt like I might've actually been doing it right. I've always had this pet peeve of hating knowing that someone heard me or received my message but didn't reply to whatever I had said. Today I realized that people get busy, people don't always need to respond, and it didn't mean that they didn't care or meant to be malicious. It didn't mean anything. It just meant that they heard you. God didn't give read receipts or replies. You just had to have faith and know that he heard you.
If God had been having fun with the names of people in my life, he was making it really obvious. Merry loved Jesus, and now my friend Emmanuel picked me up to take me to church and Bible study.
And for the foreign woman's name who sold us the bottle of liquor?
Rehab.
Next
I woke up in a hospital bed.
I had failed to uphold any of my values the night before and am lucky I'm not dead because of it.
Being a good Christian meant not drinking an entire bottle of liquor in less than an hour.
Being financially stable didn't quite fit in with being too so incoherent I couldn't remember anything.
Being mentally stable also meant not drinking if I knew I couldn't handle liquor's effect on me.
Being honest didn't make sense until this morning.
I had glanced at the discharge papers I'd received from the hospital. Alcohol use disorder was the diagnosis. Until that moment I really didn't think I had a problem. I knew people said I'd had a problem but enough people were certain everyone can have one drink and that I was 'fine' that I agreed with the latter for the most part. I know it's ridiculous that it's taken me this long to realize I had a problem and really admit it, but just like with everything else in my life, I had to learn the hard way.
Value #5: Being honest. I can't handle alcohol in my system. Not anywhere, any time, or for any reason. One drink for me meant spending the rest of the time trying to drink myself into oblivion.
I felt toxic. Aside from feeling nauseated all day, the worst part of the hangover was the shame. I had made a list in my head of every reason my choice to go drink was an awful idea. Common sense would have been to not do the stupid thing considering I already knew it was a bad idea. I didn't know what value that would've fit under.
Unfortunately I had developed a bad habit of purposefully following through with bad ideas.
I wanted to turn my life around and I knew that I could. I knew I needed something stronger than my own willpower for those moments when I caught myself facing my own bad habits and the like. I turned to God, and last night I couldn't have been farther from him. Being a good Christian had flown right out the window.
I remember taking a quiz on Facebook about 'What Jesus says when you make him face-palm'. My result, of course, was to lay off the liquor.
I wanted to pray but didn't know how to begin. I used to fold my hands and kneel by my bed with my eyes closed, but today I felt like closing my eyes would put me right to sleep. Especially if I thinking about giving all of my troubles to Jesus. It'd be such a relief. I had too much to do and sleep wasn't an option, so I typed it out.
Dear God, I'm really sorry about last night. I hope that you will forgive me, even though I totally neglected to 'repent' from the sins of drunkenness and succumbed to the desires of the flesh. I really want to go to Heaven, and I really need your help. I also hope that you forgive me for wanting too much from you. It wasn't until I was in the shower this morning that I realized I can't ask you to stop me from drinking. I am sorry for being selfish, careless, and wicked. Dear God, I'm sorry for how much I ask of you. I always want proof, or a sign, or some sort of miracle and I know you don't do that and I'm sorry that until today I've always held it against you. I'm sorry that I'm terrified of knowing or loving anyone, especially you. Please forgive me, God, for everything you've taught me and I've neglected to incorporate into my life, and for everything I know that I'm going to struggle with in the days to come, and all of my sins now and forever. I love you.
I always felt like I was leaving a voicemail when I prayed in the past, but today I felt like I might've actually been doing it right. I've always had this pet peeve of hating knowing that someone heard me or received my message but didn't reply to whatever I had said. Today I realized that people get busy, people don't always need to respond, and it didn't mean that they didn't care or meant to be malicious. It didn't mean anything. It just meant that they heard you. God didn't give read receipts or replies. You just had to have faith and know that he heard you.
I felt stupid for taking my whole life to realize that. I was ashamed for being a hypocrite on such an extreme level. I was ashamed for making an ass of myself in front of my new friends. My headache was barely worse than the shame.
If God had been having fun with the names of people in my life, he was making it really obvious. Merry loved Jesus, and now my friend Emmanuel picked me up to take me to church and Bible study.
And for the foreign woman's name who sold us the bottle of liquor?
Rehab.
Next
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