Part of me warily feared the Xanax ever so slightly.
GABA, being the main inhibitory compound in mature vertebrates, depended very heavily on the nurture of the patient, human or not, as to exactly what inhibitions, once cast away, would result in.
Household pets like cats and dogs, vertebrates themselves, can also be prescribed Xanax. However, based on their nature, some are not recommended to the drug because it can lead to aggressive, violent outbursts as opposed to tranquility.
I remembered cussing out my grandma that day on the side of the highway. Xanax.
I forgot listening to all the music Merry had suggested. I really had liked most of it, really. I neglected to tell her, though, because I resented the idea of annoying her.
As indifferent as I was, I resented how much the thought seemed to shimmer with a brilliance above all the others, sticking out and into my forethought like a pin.
Resent was hate. Not a good Christian. DAMMIT!
Cursing, no good again.
I resented the idea of talking to Merry for the same reason I resented being Happy; in feeling so safe and content I was at my most vulnerable, and in such enthrallment I became paralyzed by fear.
That was only partially true. The words MERRY, RESENT, CHRIST, REGRET, JOY, and CONTENTMENT fused in infinite combinations too fast for me to comprehend.
I couldn't win that day. The real reason I feared speaking to Merry was because- just like whenever I felt joy or happiness- that for some reason I always managed to make terrible decisions that would affect everyone around me.
It felt like God had left my writing and my thoughts. The journey towards salvation through Christ had reached a higher difficulty level for sure. The walk would be cold, grey, and dreary. Four hours time, at an average page, and eleven miles long. Better yet, two of those four hours forecasted a 91% chance of rain.
The forecast's accuracy was terribly spot-on.
Xanax.
On the way back from CVS, Stefany and I's conversation took a spiritual turn.
As soon as she hit me with the Oh really now I knew she had a little more to say than sharing a couple of songs she must've enjoyed.
Galatians 5:16 ESV
“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”
Before I'd had the chance to respond she'd already hit me with two memes about getting a man fat enough to not be able to cheat on a woman and denying sex until a man offers free food and then being 'moister than an oyster'.
Galatians 5:19-21 ESV
“Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”
Thank you, Christ Jesus, for showing me this meant no endearment; one strayed from the Lord to avoid jealousy without turning to Him and the latter implied sexual immorality.
Before I'd found Christ, I'd have reacted angrily and hateful. Condemning her for joking about selling what was supposed to be a sacred act under the rites of marriage for food out of pride when she and I were a together, and loathing the idea of preventing me from cheating by sacrificing my own health. I had loved Stefany and cherished her, but not in loving and living for God. Still, I felt distraught. While I didn't want to be with her until she found Christ, I still knew she was worth so much more than such wicked thoughts.
I tried showing her the errors of her ways without judging but failed. I remembered that it was not my place and blasphemous to believe it was.
Only God can judge and to accuse another human being of lies is judgmental and hateful.
Sadly, even after telling her I'd sit with her in Church, her reaction told me she thought the idea of that being even fathomably desirable proved nonexistent.
Really, while my past experiences with her told me it would've been a bad idea, my faith told me that maybe, just maybe, she'd come around and she and I could've gotten married. She could've loved it. That night, I prayed about it. While she truly was less of a sinner than me, I knew that entering the sacred rite of marriage with someone who didn't want to live as God wanted us to with a life centered around Him and His Church would inevitably fall apart.
I prayed she might think the same way, if not for me, but for her.
Galatians 6:6, 8-9 ESV
“Let the one who is taught the word share all good things with the one who teaches.
For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”
Eventually she asked what I wanted, and I told her I wanted to know and love Christ and God because it was the only thing that could save me. She stopped replying. Alone with my own thoughts, I reconsidered my answer.
Honestly, saving me wasn't the root of it all. I set on this path for my daughter. Sure, the way it all started didn't at all seem like it, but now I could see it.
All of my life I'd wanted to save people. Everyone has that fantasy. Even if I was no miracle worker, I knew for certain that if I had heard of a story like mine when I had been struggling I might've been saved long ago.
Xanax.
I loved the idea of having someone say they would sit by me. Like Sadie had asked me to the night before, I felt special. I also now had to be wary because of what Manny had taught me on the drive home, but we'll save that for a bit later.
I knew I glorified my medications, but I never could discern why. Was it pure idolization, or a lie to myself to cover up how disappointed I was in my sorry state that truly warranted their need?
Consider with me; which do you think would've the hardest to accept? Addiction and Idolatry, or purely being such a mess without the powerful, dangerous (not to mention completely legal) narcotics you
took multiple times a day that you could be a complete wreck?
If you answered like me, you Idolized them to create a facade of feigned addiction to cover up the truth. Everyone can understand a drug addict, legal or Illegal. Understanding self-destructive depression, paralyzing anxiety, all coming from a rational mind? No one can. Drug addicts are just junkies. They do what they do. They are understood, even if so begrudgingly. The mentally ill, the cancers of the soul? Don't even begin to say you can understand it. It's an illness. So, a facade was the safest route.
However, if you look nothing like a drug addict...
That Saturday night at Church felt like a school reunion. I felt a hair shy of happiness as I greeted all of my friends with smiles. While walking away too abruptly remained a challenge, I praise the Lord, Thank You! that I could see the calm in my Churchgang's eyes. Joy. Happiness. I felt safe.
Xanax.
I felt at home. None of my seemed off putting, save for a few which comments of mine that were lost in the mutterings of my breath.
Afterwards everyone went out to either La Hacienda or Village Inn.
I knew every name at the table. I felt included. Pete, Kiersten, Me, Stephanie, Jackie, Scuba, Akeem, Manny, Moriah, Merry, Essy, Brad (Not Brady), Brody, Brandy, and unfortunately THE ONE GIRL whose name I forgot.
Even at the Church I knew Teeter, Agatha, J.C., Kirk, Kevin, Jose, Lozano, Sadie, Hannah, Bianca (who actually may have been with us at the table), Beks, Sheena, even some girl who had misplaced several of her front teeth but seemed nice, and it made me so joyful!
It reminded me of the days when I gathered groups like that for fun. The connection
between the memory and present wasn't melancholy; it was a gift to be thankful to God for.
I declined the food I was offered. It felt honorable.
Good Christian.
I chatted with Brody, with Brad, and it felt great. Before I left the Church I chatted again with Sadie, but we'll save that for Manny's lesson.
Something must've made me nervous, or dissociative at least, because Merry messaged me from the opposite side of the table.
Hey are you shy? But into the convo too! 😊
I dropped my phone and got engaged in the breeze shooting. I smiled to myself, careful not to look at her. I'd asked her to help me maybe a month ago and she still did. Her little bits of advice still came at the right times and...
Eventually the crew grew tired and it neared time to call it a night. Every so often I'd glance to every filled seat at the table, and at the same moment I noticed Merry had been gone for much longer than most people left from a dinner with friends, another group-mate did as well and inquired.
She'd gone to buy flowers. For the waitress. I'd absolutely no idea why or where she went but knowing her I'd assume the reason was just to make the woman's day.
My jaw dropped. The idea of such genuine kindness had left me years ago. Yet, here it was again.
Of course, when I'd told her that it had been amazing to see someone do that to make a stranger's night, she shifted the thanks to all of the girls, and of course, God.
I left with Manny and Moriah, bless them please, God, so I could ask them about the question's I'd came up with in Church as well as on my own. The first couple were easy. Even I had a guess on those ones.
Then came the question about Sadie. My hunch had been right, and no, I don't mean the I look like the one who would like to know about your socks hunch.
Of course it was the one I hadn't looked forward to acknowledging.
In a funny-yet-sad way the newlyweds attempted to coach me on how to tell her right-off-the-bat that I wasn't interested in a relationship since that would've been clearly what she was looking for. The humor came about when the 'truth' was to be told 'nicely'.
I hadn't any idea how to do that, but about five minutes in the topic had resolved.
Then, of course, Merry- or actually, it might've been Manny's advice. Manny's advice first, that's what happened. Because that's what cleared up the Sadie thing.
I'll do my best to paraphrase:
"All the members of the Church are to love each-other equally. If one member, male or female, shows more attention to another, then that equality is gone. The only exception is if you really, truly like someone, and say only all of your best guy friends know, then you still aren't supposed to do it in front of other people. That's why giving someone extra attention than everyone else and not ever wanting to go further with it is a sin and leading someone on, because the only groups of two who are supposed to treat each-other that way are those who are dating, engaged or married."
It needed to be on a billboard, shouted from the rooftops, labeled on every condom-wrapper and scribbled in permanent marker on the inside of every bathroom stall. Unfathomable numbers of relationships would've been kept pure and so much jealousy and envy would've never even been felt.
I wanted to tell Stefany. I wanted her to know. Deep down, though, in the cold pit of my stomach where my heart sank, I felt she wouldn't understand or even care.
The realization didn't break my heart, but I wanted it too, if that makes any sense. I didn't want to believe there was no chance, but the hopeless romantic in me craved that sort of drama.
Manny's words cleared up what I ought to do with Sadie, as well as every other person in the world. It was such a reassuring feeling I couldn't help but feel... renewed, and thankful.
Thank you, God, for inspiring Manny so he could help me understand all of this stuff!
My last question, of course, remained the hardest to ask. I hated even bringing it up, (sorry, hate) I hated even acknowledging the wonder I still felt.
"It's about Merry," I said.
"What about her?" Manny asked.
"I don't know what to think," I stumbled over my words, because I really didn't know what to think.
"Do you still like her?" Mo took the floor.
I paused. "Define like, would you?"
"Like, do you have a crush on her?"
Again, I fumbled. "Could you define crush for me? The whole Christian dating scene
is entirely different than what I'm used to."
Mo intercepted. "Do you think of her romantically?"
Now, in case you didn't know, the word 'romantic' is widely misinterpreted.
Chuckling at the failure to properly communicate, again I asked, "What do you mean by 'romantically'?"
The couple laughed. Instead of waiting for another question I hit them with what I knew romanticism to be.
"See, you can romanticize anything. It doesn't have to involve love, I could romanticize Manny right now if I wanted to, speaking of his (this will be left to your imagination), and if that's what you mean," I said to Mo, "Then yes, I do think of her that way. From the first time we spoke, to the phone calls I enjoyed with her, hearing her sing, meeting her late at night one night somewhere, I thought so highly of it and couldn't wipe the smile off my face. It just... made me joyful, how she is."
"It sounds like you have a crush on her still," said Mo.
I grimaced. "But it's not romantically, you know, because there is no desire for relations or sex or any sort of that thing, and I knew for a long while that was the case, and even more so deep down because it's me! I wouldn't wish me on anyone!"
Now it was Manny's turn. "But do you want to know her better and be a part of her life in a way?"
"Yeah, I just thought..."
"That's still it."
Manny's wise words suddenly made sense again. I'm sure I spoke a bit more, but I couldn't remember a bit of it except for, "-actually, nevermind, I'm glad I learned what I have, I feel better, I really don't want to think about this, thank you so much, guys," preluded by fact's I'd already stated in which I'd lost.
I recall thinking about the last phone call I had with her before we stopped talking on the phone, maybe saying something about it, but regretting how I'd let that phone call end. As I exited the car I made my parting words and well wishes.
I felt just as ridiculous as Steven had been when he thought be could claim that his overly-flustered behavior and outright rudeness weren't because he was jealous of how much I enjoyed talking with Merry on the phone. I felt ridiculous for all the things I'd said to her and how annoying I must've become when I'd wanted so badly to talk with her again.
I wish I would've left, I wish so badly I would've left, and I can only blame myself. As selfish and gluttonous as it may be, I wanted so badly to hear her sing. Hear her talk about whatever, because it seemed like she never ran out of things to say.
I felt pathetic. I didn't want to be another person she felt she needed to save. The upset in her voice when she spoke those words in study made my stomach turn over. I worried for her. She was so kind. Was she okay? I wanted to know. I didn't want to press.
I was going to just say something like a friend would. I knew if someone had ever rhought I might need... someone to listen, even though we all have God, I'd be so touched I'd probably break.
I'll pray for you, because I know you go through a lot and don't show it at all, 'cause you're really strong, and you know God's got you and I'm just one of many rooting for you no matter what comes your way.
I had ended up being wrong.
My inhibitions hadn't been keeping me from being angry or sad, because that's all I's been.
Just like Laura had noticed the stick up my ass, it was true. It was like third grade all ocer again. Even Sadie had mentioned while I danced that she wondered where my smile was. In third grade I had such a hard time smiling that it hurt.
I'd taken my Xanax today worrying that I'd make a fool of myself; my inhibitions preventing me from being a belligerent asshole. I didn't care, but I did it anyway.
Today had besn such a nice day. I hadn't been a belligerent asshole. I hadn't felt unwanted or not good enough.
While I imagined the Xanax would've made me not feel anything, instead it had done the exact opposite;
The lack of ambition left me freedom full of emotion:
I could smile again.
Next
GABA, being the main inhibitory compound in mature vertebrates, depended very heavily on the nurture of the patient, human or not, as to exactly what inhibitions, once cast away, would result in.
Household pets like cats and dogs, vertebrates themselves, can also be prescribed Xanax. However, based on their nature, some are not recommended to the drug because it can lead to aggressive, violent outbursts as opposed to tranquility.
I remembered cussing out my grandma that day on the side of the highway. Xanax.
I forgot listening to all the music Merry had suggested. I really had liked most of it, really. I neglected to tell her, though, because I resented the idea of annoying her.
As indifferent as I was, I resented how much the thought seemed to shimmer with a brilliance above all the others, sticking out and into my forethought like a pin.
Resent was hate. Not a good Christian. DAMMIT!
Cursing, no good again.
I resented the idea of talking to Merry for the same reason I resented being Happy; in feeling so safe and content I was at my most vulnerable, and in such enthrallment I became paralyzed by fear.
That was only partially true. The words MERRY, RESENT, CHRIST, REGRET, JOY, and CONTENTMENT fused in infinite combinations too fast for me to comprehend.
I couldn't win that day. The real reason I feared speaking to Merry was because- just like whenever I felt joy or happiness- that for some reason I always managed to make terrible decisions that would affect everyone around me.
It felt like God had left my writing and my thoughts. The journey towards salvation through Christ had reached a higher difficulty level for sure. The walk would be cold, grey, and dreary. Four hours time, at an average page, and eleven miles long. Better yet, two of those four hours forecasted a 91% chance of rain.
The forecast's accuracy was terribly spot-on.
Xanax.
On the way back from CVS, Stefany and I's conversation took a spiritual turn.
As soon as she hit me with the Oh really now I knew she had a little more to say than sharing a couple of songs she must've enjoyed.
Galatians 5:16 ESV
“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”
Before I'd had the chance to respond she'd already hit me with two memes about getting a man fat enough to not be able to cheat on a woman and denying sex until a man offers free food and then being 'moister than an oyster'.
Galatians 5:19-21 ESV
“Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”
Thank you, Christ Jesus, for showing me this meant no endearment; one strayed from the Lord to avoid jealousy without turning to Him and the latter implied sexual immorality.
Before I'd found Christ, I'd have reacted angrily and hateful. Condemning her for joking about selling what was supposed to be a sacred act under the rites of marriage for food out of pride when she and I were a together, and loathing the idea of preventing me from cheating by sacrificing my own health. I had loved Stefany and cherished her, but not in loving and living for God. Still, I felt distraught. While I didn't want to be with her until she found Christ, I still knew she was worth so much more than such wicked thoughts.
I tried showing her the errors of her ways without judging but failed. I remembered that it was not my place and blasphemous to believe it was.
Only God can judge and to accuse another human being of lies is judgmental and hateful.
Sadly, even after telling her I'd sit with her in Church, her reaction told me she thought the idea of that being even fathomably desirable proved nonexistent.
Really, while my past experiences with her told me it would've been a bad idea, my faith told me that maybe, just maybe, she'd come around and she and I could've gotten married. She could've loved it. That night, I prayed about it. While she truly was less of a sinner than me, I knew that entering the sacred rite of marriage with someone who didn't want to live as God wanted us to with a life centered around Him and His Church would inevitably fall apart.
I prayed she might think the same way, if not for me, but for her.
Galatians 6:6, 8-9 ESV
“Let the one who is taught the word share all good things with the one who teaches.
For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”
Eventually she asked what I wanted, and I told her I wanted to know and love Christ and God because it was the only thing that could save me. She stopped replying. Alone with my own thoughts, I reconsidered my answer.
Honestly, saving me wasn't the root of it all. I set on this path for my daughter. Sure, the way it all started didn't at all seem like it, but now I could see it.
All of my life I'd wanted to save people. Everyone has that fantasy. Even if I was no miracle worker, I knew for certain that if I had heard of a story like mine when I had been struggling I might've been saved long ago.
Xanax.
I loved the idea of having someone say they would sit by me. Like Sadie had asked me to the night before, I felt special. I also now had to be wary because of what Manny had taught me on the drive home, but we'll save that for a bit later.
I knew I glorified my medications, but I never could discern why. Was it pure idolization, or a lie to myself to cover up how disappointed I was in my sorry state that truly warranted their need?
Consider with me; which do you think would've the hardest to accept? Addiction and Idolatry, or purely being such a mess without the powerful, dangerous (not to mention completely legal) narcotics you
took multiple times a day that you could be a complete wreck?
If you answered like me, you Idolized them to create a facade of feigned addiction to cover up the truth. Everyone can understand a drug addict, legal or Illegal. Understanding self-destructive depression, paralyzing anxiety, all coming from a rational mind? No one can. Drug addicts are just junkies. They do what they do. They are understood, even if so begrudgingly. The mentally ill, the cancers of the soul? Don't even begin to say you can understand it. It's an illness. So, a facade was the safest route.
However, if you look nothing like a drug addict...
That Saturday night at Church felt like a school reunion. I felt a hair shy of happiness as I greeted all of my friends with smiles. While walking away too abruptly remained a challenge, I praise the Lord, Thank You! that I could see the calm in my Churchgang's eyes. Joy. Happiness. I felt safe.
Xanax.
I felt at home. None of my seemed off putting, save for a few which comments of mine that were lost in the mutterings of my breath.
Afterwards everyone went out to either La Hacienda or Village Inn.
I knew every name at the table. I felt included. Pete, Kiersten, Me, Stephanie, Jackie, Scuba, Akeem, Manny, Moriah, Merry, Essy, Brad (Not Brady), Brody, Brandy, and unfortunately THE ONE GIRL whose name I forgot.
Even at the Church I knew Teeter, Agatha, J.C., Kirk, Kevin, Jose, Lozano, Sadie, Hannah, Bianca (who actually may have been with us at the table), Beks, Sheena, even some girl who had misplaced several of her front teeth but seemed nice, and it made me so joyful!
It reminded me of the days when I gathered groups like that for fun. The connection
between the memory and present wasn't melancholy; it was a gift to be thankful to God for.
I declined the food I was offered. It felt honorable.
Good Christian.
I chatted with Brody, with Brad, and it felt great. Before I left the Church I chatted again with Sadie, but we'll save that for Manny's lesson.
Something must've made me nervous, or dissociative at least, because Merry messaged me from the opposite side of the table.
Hey are you shy? But into the convo too! 😊
I dropped my phone and got engaged in the breeze shooting. I smiled to myself, careful not to look at her. I'd asked her to help me maybe a month ago and she still did. Her little bits of advice still came at the right times and...
Eventually the crew grew tired and it neared time to call it a night. Every so often I'd glance to every filled seat at the table, and at the same moment I noticed Merry had been gone for much longer than most people left from a dinner with friends, another group-mate did as well and inquired.
She'd gone to buy flowers. For the waitress. I'd absolutely no idea why or where she went but knowing her I'd assume the reason was just to make the woman's day.
My jaw dropped. The idea of such genuine kindness had left me years ago. Yet, here it was again.
Of course, when I'd told her that it had been amazing to see someone do that to make a stranger's night, she shifted the thanks to all of the girls, and of course, God.
I left with Manny and Moriah, bless them please, God, so I could ask them about the question's I'd came up with in Church as well as on my own. The first couple were easy. Even I had a guess on those ones.
Then came the question about Sadie. My hunch had been right, and no, I don't mean the I look like the one who would like to know about your socks hunch.
Of course it was the one I hadn't looked forward to acknowledging.
In a funny-yet-sad way the newlyweds attempted to coach me on how to tell her right-off-the-bat that I wasn't interested in a relationship since that would've been clearly what she was looking for. The humor came about when the 'truth' was to be told 'nicely'.
I hadn't any idea how to do that, but about five minutes in the topic had resolved.
Then, of course, Merry- or actually, it might've been Manny's advice. Manny's advice first, that's what happened. Because that's what cleared up the Sadie thing.
I'll do my best to paraphrase:
"All the members of the Church are to love each-other equally. If one member, male or female, shows more attention to another, then that equality is gone. The only exception is if you really, truly like someone, and say only all of your best guy friends know, then you still aren't supposed to do it in front of other people. That's why giving someone extra attention than everyone else and not ever wanting to go further with it is a sin and leading someone on, because the only groups of two who are supposed to treat each-other that way are those who are dating, engaged or married."
It needed to be on a billboard, shouted from the rooftops, labeled on every condom-wrapper and scribbled in permanent marker on the inside of every bathroom stall. Unfathomable numbers of relationships would've been kept pure and so much jealousy and envy would've never even been felt.
I wanted to tell Stefany. I wanted her to know. Deep down, though, in the cold pit of my stomach where my heart sank, I felt she wouldn't understand or even care.
The realization didn't break my heart, but I wanted it too, if that makes any sense. I didn't want to believe there was no chance, but the hopeless romantic in me craved that sort of drama.
Manny's words cleared up what I ought to do with Sadie, as well as every other person in the world. It was such a reassuring feeling I couldn't help but feel... renewed, and thankful.
Thank you, God, for inspiring Manny so he could help me understand all of this stuff!
My last question, of course, remained the hardest to ask. I hated even bringing it up, (sorry, hate) I hated even acknowledging the wonder I still felt.
"It's about Merry," I said.
"What about her?" Manny asked.
"I don't know what to think," I stumbled over my words, because I really didn't know what to think.
"Do you still like her?" Mo took the floor.
I paused. "Define like, would you?"
"Like, do you have a crush on her?"
Again, I fumbled. "Could you define crush for me? The whole Christian dating scene
is entirely different than what I'm used to."
Mo intercepted. "Do you think of her romantically?"
Now, in case you didn't know, the word 'romantic' is widely misinterpreted.
Chuckling at the failure to properly communicate, again I asked, "What do you mean by 'romantically'?"
The couple laughed. Instead of waiting for another question I hit them with what I knew romanticism to be.
"See, you can romanticize anything. It doesn't have to involve love, I could romanticize Manny right now if I wanted to, speaking of his (this will be left to your imagination), and if that's what you mean," I said to Mo, "Then yes, I do think of her that way. From the first time we spoke, to the phone calls I enjoyed with her, hearing her sing, meeting her late at night one night somewhere, I thought so highly of it and couldn't wipe the smile off my face. It just... made me joyful, how she is."
"It sounds like you have a crush on her still," said Mo.
I grimaced. "But it's not romantically, you know, because there is no desire for relations or sex or any sort of that thing, and I knew for a long while that was the case, and even more so deep down because it's me! I wouldn't wish me on anyone!"
Now it was Manny's turn. "But do you want to know her better and be a part of her life in a way?"
"Yeah, I just thought..."
"That's still it."
Manny's wise words suddenly made sense again. I'm sure I spoke a bit more, but I couldn't remember a bit of it except for, "-actually, nevermind, I'm glad I learned what I have, I feel better, I really don't want to think about this, thank you so much, guys," preluded by fact's I'd already stated in which I'd lost.
I recall thinking about the last phone call I had with her before we stopped talking on the phone, maybe saying something about it, but regretting how I'd let that phone call end. As I exited the car I made my parting words and well wishes.
I felt just as ridiculous as Steven had been when he thought be could claim that his overly-flustered behavior and outright rudeness weren't because he was jealous of how much I enjoyed talking with Merry on the phone. I felt ridiculous for all the things I'd said to her and how annoying I must've become when I'd wanted so badly to talk with her again.
I wish I would've left, I wish so badly I would've left, and I can only blame myself. As selfish and gluttonous as it may be, I wanted so badly to hear her sing. Hear her talk about whatever, because it seemed like she never ran out of things to say.
I felt pathetic. I didn't want to be another person she felt she needed to save. The upset in her voice when she spoke those words in study made my stomach turn over. I worried for her. She was so kind. Was she okay? I wanted to know. I didn't want to press.
I was going to just say something like a friend would. I knew if someone had ever rhought I might need... someone to listen, even though we all have God, I'd be so touched I'd probably break.
I'll pray for you, because I know you go through a lot and don't show it at all, 'cause you're really strong, and you know God's got you and I'm just one of many rooting for you no matter what comes your way.
I had ended up being wrong.
My inhibitions hadn't been keeping me from being angry or sad, because that's all I's been.
Just like Laura had noticed the stick up my ass, it was true. It was like third grade all ocer again. Even Sadie had mentioned while I danced that she wondered where my smile was. In third grade I had such a hard time smiling that it hurt.
I'd taken my Xanax today worrying that I'd make a fool of myself; my inhibitions preventing me from being a belligerent asshole. I didn't care, but I did it anyway.
Today had besn such a nice day. I hadn't been a belligerent asshole. I hadn't felt unwanted or not good enough.
While I imagined the Xanax would've made me not feel anything, instead it had done the exact opposite;
The lack of ambition left me freedom full of emotion:
I could smile again.
Next
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