Realizing (or learning) that my inhibitions were what had kept me from smiling, conversing, and even saying, “Hello,” must’ve been a memory of truth I’d blocked out for as long as I could.
It left me with this question:
Have you ever wondered what could possibly make a child feel as if they must stop smiling or speaking for as long as the they possibly could?
I’d ran the numbers thousands of times but hadn’t yet found the answer.
It looked like I had found another mission for my Therapist.
Temptation grew exponentially harder to resist.
Ever since three years old I'd been humping everything that provided a steady base.
Aside from the inhaling nail polish remover and rubbing alcohol, another vice cured my ails that arose from not only aches and pains but boredom as well.
This vice was rubbing, touching, fondling, myself until I had gotten bored of it, sore, or in my later years, bled.
Anyways, after work I headed home.
I knew I'd made a bad call when I noticed the library open but headed towards where I knew there was alcohol.
I wasn't turning my back on God. I was turning my back on myself.
Manny and Moriah were right. Me in a place to start a relationship or even think about it? Fat chance.
I hardly felt I reside in a good enough place to start a friendship.
I wanted to joke about calling Gabe up to go on some adventure.
I didn't feel I had anyone to call on but God, and as wise as he was, what I wanted was a human.
Tears welled up in my eyes and I wanted so badly to be a crying bitch and be held. I wanted to bawl about everything that had happened and is still happening. I wanted someone else to know so bad just so I could know that they knew too.
Several days that week I'd imagined Gabe walking with me to work. I loved it and it made me want to drop to the cold, wet ground and give up on walking forever.
My vision blurred as I slowly sipped the ginger beer. Sleeping hadn't been an option the night before. Hangovers were never an issue.
I passed out sprawled across a chair with the unfinished beer between my legs. While the nap hadn't lasted more than an hour, I felt wide awake.
I felt so awake that I didn't want to sleep.
The next morning work needed me at 11 AM, but just like the night before I probably wouldn't sleep before going.
I simply didn’t want to.
God says we have to admit to our Church, the world, and Him before we can truly repent for our sins… I think.
I value honesty, no matter how ugly it gets. Like honesty? How's about this for you:
Abstaining from the piss-water poison was easy, that is, until I realized I could drink a beer and not lose my sense of reason.
Nevertheless, I hated three things:
Complaining
Hypocrisy
Inconsistency
I toss a pill in my mouth and throw back a bud light before opening the thirty-four tabs of porn I'd left on my phone.
...or so I thought...
Less than ten minutes later, I left the bathroom for another pill and another bud light.
Dammit, I had thought, scolding myself firstly for being unclean (as the Bible put it) and secondly for already deleting all of the porn.
Wicked. Complacency.
This was a regular occurrence. Spend time finding volumes of pornography that was completely necessary to watch, then watch one, finish, and proceed to delete it all out of shame. I could easily spend four to five hours a day doing this without anyone around me ever having a clue.
In the classroom, it was make-your-own Super-Hero day. Disturbingly enough, every single student (including the teacher) had come up with ‘The Silent Masturbator’.
Yeah, of course I'd known masturbation to be sinful since I could understand english, but being that old habits die hard and this habit had been with me since before I turned four years old. I’d hump couches, floors, anything really.
I've done my research. Sex between two people involves not only the big O but releases a surge of oxytocin.
Don't know what oxytocin is? Look it up. For us laymen, it’s that natural drug that hits you when you connect with another human being. Holding hands? Hugs? Cuddling? Bingo.
Masturbating hits you with that huge rush of mucho bueno chemicals during the big O that (I can only compare to feeling of Fentanyl) hit your veins before surgery without any of that oxytocin nonsense.
Still not getting it? Since before I stepped foot in a preschool I'd already been training my body to know it could feel incredible without anyone else.
Dear Jesus, please forgive my complacent nature that left me vulnerable to sin, and thank you for the good Church of your followers that I’d found.
I'd felt really welcomed at Church the night before, but now? I couldn't remember a fucking thing. Why?
Xanax. My inhibitions didn’t want me to feel welcome or safe anywhere, period. However, the downside to that lack of inhibition is that by nature I’d felt much more complacent.
Extramarital sex tempted me earlier. Want to know what else? I wanted to steal a hat. Pants. Food. Shoes. Nothing for profit, only things I needed, but still. Stealing was a huge no-go, and luckily I’d had enough reason to abstain.
One of The Church Gang had mentioned the journey would only be getting harder. It sure was.
Pop another pill? I remembered Philippians 4.
These pills aren't the killers, the suicide attempts, the bad stuff. These are escaping everything without leaving the world pharmaceuticals.
~~~
When I arrived at work that morning all of the conversation flowed naturally. The only reason I could remember what my manager said could be attributed to how happy I felt feeling normal.
Sunday neared it's end and I still hadn't touched my Bible. I didn't know where to start.
Bullshit.
Sloth & Lies, Complacency
I knew well why I hadn't touched my Bible. I deemed other things (wrongly) more important still.
I finished my third or fourth beer. Small cans of Budlight- piss-water, as I'd call them -aside from the Ginger Beers.
Values: good Christian. Good Dad. Financial stability. Mental health. Honesty. Had there been another? I couldn't recall.
Good Christians do not hate. To hate is to feel strong adversity or feelings of strong dislike towards anything;
Feeling insignificant every time someone left your messages on read not only proved your focus had strayed from loving and living for God but also led towards the path of resentment and hatred.
Good Dad's respect their children's mother and never talked down about her.
I'd thought I’d been doing pretty well with that aspect. Stef had begun talking to me again.
I’d even invited her to Church.
Financial stability meant having stable finances.
...I currently owned less than a nickel on a debit card.
Mental health meant being mentally healthy.
I bet the Bible and other readings would assist in this area.
Honesty meant being honest.
Aside from omission to my peers, I'd been far more honest and true to myself than I'd ever been.
In regards to Saturday night,
To my relief, the good deed I'd witnessed through Merry at Village Inn hadn't entirely been her.
I began to forget why I ever attempted to speak to her. Sure, her voice, her humor, her singing, her past, her interests in music, her morals, our common interests, but in the same way celebrities fade away after not remaining relevant, or showcasing a constant reminder of what made you look highly of them in the first place, she, like them, slowly became less and less relevant to me.
The teachings from Church had been helping me with how to behave when no one was watching, aside from what I became complacent about;
I muted and archived Merry's messages.
Which I then reversed, because to live in fear and anxiety of A GIRL MESSAGING ME didn't sound like living a life for Christ.
I'd told Stef about my new beliefs and how devoted I was. I no longer judged her actions or felt hateful towards her, no matter how much my instincts ached ever so slightly to.
A.K.A., no extramarital sex! No parental judging, no adversity or labeling of her comments, no condemnation.
I'd stopped walking around feeling bitter hatred to everyone I saw.
Being judgmental no more would be the next step, but at least I didn't walk around full of anger and madness.
"Now class, what have we since failed at or struggled with this week?"
The classroom echoed silence. The shimmering tree protruding through the hardwood floors and through the ceiling remained the only source of noise; a shimmering murmur, like that of a Church choir from far away.
BUT-
Before we go there, though, let's have a quick recap.
Let's take a trip back to #day148.
Isn't it interesting how someone can make you smile without ever having the intention to do so purposefully?
Isn't it also interesting that you can make someone feel passionate about something without ever truly intending to do so?
Or even curious about how you can make someone else smile without even really wanting to?
I think about these three things. Depending on the who, when, and where, and quantity and quality of these unnamed variables, your life can be either perpetually pleasant or perpetually confusing and messy.
Are we on the same page? #day23
"All the members of the Church are to love each-other equally. If one member, male or female, shows more attention to another, then that equality is gone. The only exception is if you really, truly like someone, and say only all of your best guy friends know, then you still aren't supposed to do it in front of other people. That's why giving someone extra attention than everyone else and not ever wanting to go further with it is a sin and leading someone on, because the only groups of two who are supposed to treat each-other that way are those who are dating, engaged or married." -Manny
In reference to James 2:1, 4, 8-9 NLT
“My dear brothers and sisters, how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others?
doesn’t this discrimination show that your judgments are guided by evil motives?
Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law.”
Manny, God bless him, also assisted me with this sentiment:
"If anything is done not in faith 'a love for God/ respect for God' Or if it defiles your conscience it is sin."
Referring to 1 Timothy 5:21-22 NLT
“I solemnly command you in the presence of God and Christ Jesus and the highest angels to obey these instructions without taking sides or showing favoritism to anyone. Never be in a hurry about appointing a church leader. Do not share in the sins of others. Keep yourself pure.”
Okay, enough with the history lesson.
Should I take another pill? It's 12:24 AM.
No! Avast ye, desires of the flesh!
~~~
God, forgive me for my lustful desires. My weakness to desires of the flesh have lead me astray, and I pray to You for guidance, Your love, and Your protection as I continue to fight complacency and repent from sin.
In Church service Saturday, we learned about David's sin: Complacency. The pastor defined it simply as 'knowing the right thing to do but not doing it anyways,' while the web defined vaguely around the words conceited and uncritical self-satisfaction.
Complacency leaves you much more open to sin as it is an act of denying God.
The effects of obeying God? Being useful.
I can hear angsty youth and the doubtful who have not yet found Christ and the echoes of my own feelings in my old ways:
"The EFFECT of obeying God is being useful to Him?! The effect of obeying my boss is getting paid, and the effect of obeying my girlfriend is getting laid! Why the hell would I ever want to obey Him?!"
At first it didn't make much sense to me, but later than night, when the girls bought flowers for a sorrowful looking employee at the Hy-Vee they went to with the intent to buy flowers for the lone waitress at the Village Inn, it hit me.
"Go be useful when you see the opportunity," the pastor had said.
Near the end of service, he left us with a few common ways we are complacent:
Not praying.
Not participating in the body of the Church.
Not helping those in practical need.
Not supporting or leading your family.
Those girls had been useful by God in spreading love and happiness. Manny had lent me a Bible, untouched, and then lent me a jacket when it was cold. Bewildered in awe, I was ever grateful for being accepted by this Church, yet even more so stunned by such genuine kindness.
I'd sold my soul, made dealings with demons, and yet never once did they falter before me. Not once did they condemn or judge me, cast me away for all my evils, and not once did their faith falter that I too could be saved.
Thank you, God, Lord Jesus, and Holy Spirit.
I kick back the rest of my piss-water.
If you can remember the day before, you’ll remember how it is wrong to show more attention, or favorite a single person more than the rest of the Church (James 2:1), because unless it is your spouse or your official person of interest whom you date, then it is discrimination.
Thank you, God, for this enlightenment, because now I understand why I had the reputation of a player even though I’d never double crossed a girl, cheated, or even had sex.
Thanks, God, for James 2:4,
“doesn’t this discrimination show that your judgments are guided by evil motives?”
I remember the talks of intent in socializing. If all love to our fellow human beings is equal, save for our spouses, then what does giving an additional person say?
Well, the Bible says it's a sin.
If you aren’t so Bible-keen then let’s be honest and admit it causes jealousy, break-ups, anxiety, and a whole lot of dreadful feelings.
I know from my own experiences that when I’ve been in a “faithful” relationship (which truly isn’t faithful unless you are both living and loving God and Jesus Christ, but I didn’t know that until now) and taken what I thought was “innocent interest” in talking to another woman, and when my friends/sisters that are women and have taken that same “innocent interest” in talking to another man, I can tell you that I’ve never seen it occur without truly falling under this passage:
Galatians 5:19-21 NLT
“When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.”
On #day148, when I wrote those musings, I hadn’t been speaking of imaginary people, or something I had seen. I’d been speaking of a girl who made me smile, a girl who I’d inspired passion in, and a girl who I’d made smile.
Being that we as humans are all under God and to be part of His Church, and even though none of them had known of the existence of the others, there were consequences I had faced beyond my knowledge. Now, I thank God, for showing me why.
In His word, a marriage forms a trinity between one, another, and God. That is why it is not sin to show favor, attention, or the like to that one other.
That’s why we’ve ought to live for God and center our lives around His Church rather than anything else as all else will lead you astray.
Why was I giving attention to the girl whom I inspired passion more than the majority of the world or Church? Because I was lonely and miserable. Although I may have acted to display the fruits of the Holy Spirit-
“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”
Galatians 5:22-23 NLT
-that kindness, goodness, peace, and joy was made of the desire of man, not the Holy Spirit. That is why it lead to wickedness, misery, and once again loneliness. If you’re reading this, I’m sorry I hurt you.
The girl whom I made smile? It was not because I loved God or wanted to marry her; I wanted no relationship, no date, not even sex. Again, I was only lonely. Soon, once I no longer felt lonely, I became distant, and blame it on my anxieties as I may, it was truly because the love that I showed, joy I displayed, and gentleness were all made from man, which lead only to distrust and wickedness. If you’re reading this, I’m even guiltier than the last and apologize even further. There was no interest, I am a sinner and I have sinned in what I may have lead you to believe. Please forgive me, friend.
Last but not least, the girl who made me smile. I’d wished I’d have known Christ before I met you, because I know that if I’d been right that things would have been infinitely different. Instead, because the Holy Spirit was not with me, all of my imitations of its fruits were rotten. I showed you the attention and favor over most because I was very partial and very in favor and longed to ask where you had been my whole life. However since my rotting fruit and emptiness of faith had been made of man, and being there so much of it, all that wickedness was cast your way. You probably won’t read this, but if you ever do, I’m sorry. In my heart of hearts I believe that thay if I had been whole, living for Christ, and not the wicked thing that I was under a facade of lies… things would have been different. If you are reading this, I’d hope you’d think so too.
I prayed to not be wicked forever. I prayed for only good things to come, to all three of those lovely women. I pray I can learn these things before I ever enter that world again. I pray for God’s forgiveness.
~~~
Sloth, Lies, and Complacency.
~~~
Five AM. I’d managed to forget the actual definition of complacency.
I knew that I was guilty of it though. I’m pretty sure you can’t be complacent without being guilty of sloth.
The pastor called it continuing to do wrong when you knew you could so right.
Welp, I’ve got that merit badge about a thousand times over.
My Church friends give me hope, but here’s the facts on that one:
You see up there, where all of those desires of the flesh are? The ones that won’t let you go to Heaven if you don’t repent?
Yeah, I’ve given into all of them. Every single one.
I might sound cocky still, but I’m not. The main difference between me less than a month ago and me now is that knowing how much wrong I’ve done makes my stomach lurch.
Before that, it felt like a bragging right, like ‘bad boy club’ official member; now, I look back and wonder how many things I could've done differently to really make people’s lives better.
Once upon a time I would lie to myself. Recognizing my ability to listen to and communicate with anyone if I put my mind to it made me the perfect double agent.
Wherever I went, it felt like my mission to tear friendships and families apart. I justified my actions by using their mistakes against them. I’d solve the problems they’d hide from each other and create reasons for them to criticize one another.
Fact is, to justify means to claim yourself worthy of judging. That-
I am certainly not.
Complacency, defined by The All-Knowing Google, means:
A smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one’s achievements.
It sounded a lot more like putting in 50% effort into your work than ‘knowing something isn’t right and still doing it anyways’ or ‘knowing the right thing to do but still not doing it’.
In all honesty I hadn’t gotten as much as I wanted out of the last service. I’d really wanted to come back with more verses to study, but instead I heard the story of the King who sent some soldier to the front lines to sleep with his wife.
In complete honesty, I had absolutely no idea why any Church still told that story, no disrespect intended.
Did I mention I had walked eleven miles to get to Church? I'm not bragging. It was relaxing. Enjoyable. Scenic. The next day I felt like my legs were pretty well conditioned, too.
I managed to finish the five tiny beers (probably 40 oz total) and now sat emptily on the couch waiting for the sun to rise. The phone charger I had been using was completely unreliable and it had started to aggravate me to no end.
What day was it, Monday? Great. I love Mondays.
If it weren't for the first service I had been to that condemned sarcasm as wicked and mockery when used in a hateful fashion, I'd have been a lot more bitter lately.
I had made a lot of mistakes in the last couple of weeks and they were about to get the drop on me.
I wasn't looking forward to it.
Which reminded me why I'd had such a hard time smiling, or being content. Feeling unguarded. When everything seemed to be alright it only made sense that they would undoubtedly continue to do so no matter what mistakes you made, right?
I fought back all the negativity I could realizing how tough I had made things for myself in less than a week.
If there's one old philosophy I remember liking, it was... some philosophers whose name I didn't remember.
"The state of man is a perpetual restless desire for power,” or something parallel to that statement, by Thomas Hobbes.
My eyes rolled in their dry sockets at the idea of the day to come. The only bits of that statement that resonated with me at the time were ‘perpetual’ and ‘rest-less’.
It was simple supply and demand, unchangeable by any rational means. I braced myself, readying for what might feel like a century. I knew I was strong.
Be a good Christian, I told myself.
Be honest, I told myself.
Be loving, I tried to tell myself, grimacing in confusion.
Be a good dad, I said to myself.
I threw the stability bits out of the window today. I hadn't money and...
Be productive, I threw in, loathing myself for being so lazy.
Pray for your friends, I said, because I supposed it would be the best way to thank them.
My blood was boiling from the pep talk I had been giving myself.
Then I remembered words I'd never actually heard, but had only read, as if I heard them.
Desperate to remember I went searching. I really wish I hadn't.
I think one of the worst feelings one can feel is the feeling of finding reason to view yourself as absolutely repulsive, despicable, and sorry for the person whom you at first couldn't truly understand as to why.
I wanted so badly to be hit, to know pain for such ludicrous behavior.
Still I knew those words wouldn't change.
"Remember, don't get mad 😊 good night"
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