Thank you, God, Abba, Father of Jesus Christ, that it has not yet snowed this December.
I've been off of everything for quite some time now, and aside from feeling entirely foggy at times, I'm doing alright. I'm staying with some friends from the The Church Gang, not drinking, not smoking (besides cigarettes) and working a couple of jobs. I don't have any free-time, really, but I'm thankful for that, too, because what good have I ever accomplished with my free-time?
Nothing. That's what. Besides going to Bible Study and Church. Church itself has been neglected in the past few weeks, but that's alright with me (well, sort of) because I was pissed off by the whole girl-trying-to-hold-my-hand and then me being almost scolded for it.
I'm super thankful to be staying at what The Church Gang boys dubbed 'the 2-3-0' because my only other option is the homeless shelter down town and using the bus. As appealing as that sounds (not) I was happy where I was.
Here I am today with another six hours of free-time before I have to be at work. Luckily I finally updated my insurance information and got some anti-biotics and anti-biotic cream for my feet. I wasn't exaggerating when I said the bottoms of my feet were beaten to hell. They're cracked, occasionally bloody, sore to the touch, and finally getting some proper medical attention. I'm sitting at the library because I figured it would be the best place to have T.C. to bring me considering I had to return Torment and it wouldn't have made sense to wander the mall at Valley West aimlessly for six hours.
I'd reached a new level of maturity. Drugs didn't seem so much interesting and fun as they did a hassle. Drunkenness seemed depressing and forgetful, and everything else seemed like a joyride that would make the rest of life seem shitty, or at least shittier than it already was. As grateful as I am for this new ideology, I also felt like a childish, immature part of me died, and that seemed sad in itself. I mean, I was still impoverished, even though I'd be getting food stamps soon. (Hooray).
Oh shit. I even have a coupon for a free slice of pizza on my phone. I'm living the fucking high life. Pun not intended. I wasn't high. I wanted a gym membership or a car more than I wanted drugs. I think my therapist said it was called Maslo's hierarchy. I'm not to the part of the pyramid that says, "Needs drugs/comfort/love." That's a pretty high one up there, next to a girlfriend and family or an Xbox.
Yes, I just compared a girlfriend to an xbox. A family to an xbox. I could throw a dog in there too. Bottom line is I can't afford any of those things and they aren't even worth thinking about right now. With a bit of thought, I lumped in cigarettes with this same level. Unfortunately I'd been valuing cigarettes way higher than anything else in my life; smoking butts that I'd find in the ash-trays outside of gas stations, smoking half-smoked cigarettes that I'd find on the sidewalk when it hadn't rained in a while, and even buying those black American Spirits that almost took ten minutes to smoke. I tried chewing Zonnic for a couple days before realizing it wasn't doing me any good. I'd chew the gum and then with the gum still in my mouth, head outside and smoke a cigarette or two.
I decided to start taking my Welbutrin again. Not so much for the anti-depressant properties as the smoking cessation ones. I really was getting sick of the idea of smelling like smoke, not being able to smell anything, and having yellow teeth. Mainly the yellow teeth and the idea of being categorized as 'a smoker'. Not that anyone was openly judging me besides myself. I really did like taking an extra three or four breaks wherever I went for a change of scenery and an excuse to step outside but the price of my not-so-pearly-whites was a little too much.
Psalms 23:2 I think. Something something I shall not want, or Thou shall not want. Something like that. I wasn't wanting. More than that I wanted to want more than I wanted. I saw a girl in her underwear and in the back of my mind thought damn, mm-mmm, but in my forethought was all, "Naw, Jesus." I almost agonized over the idea. What was happening to me? I felt like a witch melting. I guess lust was sinful but damn I didn't think I'd be missing it so much or feeling the lack of it so often. It was like a void of voids had opened up in my life and I wasn't feeling what I wasn't feeling? It didn't even make fucking sense.
Jesus seemed like a better best-friend than most best-friends. That wasn't a very bold statement, though, because in my heart of hearts he'd jumped to the top not so much because of how great he was (even though he's you know, fucking awesome) but more so how much everyone else and their dog (yeah, their dogs too) sucked. Everyone else wanted something more than just a relationship with you. People really did only do shit to fill their selfish desires. Jesus clearly didn't. He was selfless. In the back of my mind I'd been telling almost everyone in my head lately that they could fuck right off. It had a nice ring to it. Fuck right off! It almost had a sing-song feel to it.
I deleted Facebook and Twitter off of my phone because I'd been so frustrated with how many people I thought should FRO. Instagram stayed because as ignorant as posting pictures of your salad at Panera could be deemed I didn't think it was because I liked looking at delicious things. Really. Mmm. Now I'm hungry, fuck. I didn't think about my food budget yesterday when I spent the rest of my money on Coffee and Energy drinks again. I had a serious problem with the caffeine department. I could literally blow through fifty-sixty dollars on gas station food and energy drinks in one weekend. Easy. Two drinks and a supplement is about $8. Drink that same amount again in two hours plus maybe a bag of chips, add $12. Do the same thing again in the afternoon, $40. Something to tide me over on the walk home from right? Another $10. Oh, I haven't seen this drink before! Another $5 because why not buy two. I drank so much caffeine most days that when I didn't get any after waking up my whole body felt like it was filled with sludge for blood in my veins.
I was too dependent of a person to enjoy life on my own. I'd grown up with life always dependent on something else for happiness so I needed to work myself around that.
I tried deleting all of the ad sources off of my Facebook to see if it would make me happier. It didn't work. Twenty minutes later and about two hundred clicks before I realized that it had only been the very first page of all the possible add sources I'd involuntarily signed up for. Yeah, pretending to socialize with people on facebook was great but was it really all that advertisement-worth-great? No. No no no. I kind of wanted to vomit. Facebook, like everything else, was cool before it had been monetized. After that, like everything else, it sucked.
I changed my Facebook to say I lived in Fucking, Austria. That is a real town by the way. I wound up spending about thirty minutes again removing all of the ads from my Facebook. The only one I almost regretted was the Graveyard Shift, but I removed it anyway. Fuck you, Clickbait.
I've been off of everything for quite some time now, and aside from feeling entirely foggy at times, I'm doing alright. I'm staying with some friends from the The Church Gang, not drinking, not smoking (besides cigarettes) and working a couple of jobs. I don't have any free-time, really, but I'm thankful for that, too, because what good have I ever accomplished with my free-time?
Nothing. That's what. Besides going to Bible Study and Church. Church itself has been neglected in the past few weeks, but that's alright with me (well, sort of) because I was pissed off by the whole girl-trying-to-hold-my-hand and then me being almost scolded for it.
I'm super thankful to be staying at what The Church Gang boys dubbed 'the 2-3-0' because my only other option is the homeless shelter down town and using the bus. As appealing as that sounds (not) I was happy where I was.
Here I am today with another six hours of free-time before I have to be at work. Luckily I finally updated my insurance information and got some anti-biotics and anti-biotic cream for my feet. I wasn't exaggerating when I said the bottoms of my feet were beaten to hell. They're cracked, occasionally bloody, sore to the touch, and finally getting some proper medical attention. I'm sitting at the library because I figured it would be the best place to have T.C. to bring me considering I had to return Torment and it wouldn't have made sense to wander the mall at Valley West aimlessly for six hours.
I'd reached a new level of maturity. Drugs didn't seem so much interesting and fun as they did a hassle. Drunkenness seemed depressing and forgetful, and everything else seemed like a joyride that would make the rest of life seem shitty, or at least shittier than it already was. As grateful as I am for this new ideology, I also felt like a childish, immature part of me died, and that seemed sad in itself. I mean, I was still impoverished, even though I'd be getting food stamps soon. (Hooray).
Oh shit. I even have a coupon for a free slice of pizza on my phone. I'm living the fucking high life. Pun not intended. I wasn't high. I wanted a gym membership or a car more than I wanted drugs. I think my therapist said it was called Maslo's hierarchy. I'm not to the part of the pyramid that says, "Needs drugs/comfort/love." That's a pretty high one up there, next to a girlfriend and family or an Xbox.
Yes, I just compared a girlfriend to an xbox. A family to an xbox. I could throw a dog in there too. Bottom line is I can't afford any of those things and they aren't even worth thinking about right now. With a bit of thought, I lumped in cigarettes with this same level. Unfortunately I'd been valuing cigarettes way higher than anything else in my life; smoking butts that I'd find in the ash-trays outside of gas stations, smoking half-smoked cigarettes that I'd find on the sidewalk when it hadn't rained in a while, and even buying those black American Spirits that almost took ten minutes to smoke. I tried chewing Zonnic for a couple days before realizing it wasn't doing me any good. I'd chew the gum and then with the gum still in my mouth, head outside and smoke a cigarette or two.
I decided to start taking my Welbutrin again. Not so much for the anti-depressant properties as the smoking cessation ones. I really was getting sick of the idea of smelling like smoke, not being able to smell anything, and having yellow teeth. Mainly the yellow teeth and the idea of being categorized as 'a smoker'. Not that anyone was openly judging me besides myself. I really did like taking an extra three or four breaks wherever I went for a change of scenery and an excuse to step outside but the price of my not-so-pearly-whites was a little too much.
Psalms 23:2 I think. Something something I shall not want, or Thou shall not want. Something like that. I wasn't wanting. More than that I wanted to want more than I wanted. I saw a girl in her underwear and in the back of my mind thought damn, mm-mmm, but in my forethought was all, "Naw, Jesus." I almost agonized over the idea. What was happening to me? I felt like a witch melting. I guess lust was sinful but damn I didn't think I'd be missing it so much or feeling the lack of it so often. It was like a void of voids had opened up in my life and I wasn't feeling what I wasn't feeling? It didn't even make fucking sense.
Jesus seemed like a better best-friend than most best-friends. That wasn't a very bold statement, though, because in my heart of hearts he'd jumped to the top not so much because of how great he was (even though he's you know, fucking awesome) but more so how much everyone else and their dog (yeah, their dogs too) sucked. Everyone else wanted something more than just a relationship with you. People really did only do shit to fill their selfish desires. Jesus clearly didn't. He was selfless. In the back of my mind I'd been telling almost everyone in my head lately that they could fuck right off. It had a nice ring to it. Fuck right off! It almost had a sing-song feel to it.
I deleted Facebook and Twitter off of my phone because I'd been so frustrated with how many people I thought should FRO. Instagram stayed because as ignorant as posting pictures of your salad at Panera could be deemed I didn't think it was because I liked looking at delicious things. Really. Mmm. Now I'm hungry, fuck. I didn't think about my food budget yesterday when I spent the rest of my money on Coffee and Energy drinks again. I had a serious problem with the caffeine department. I could literally blow through fifty-sixty dollars on gas station food and energy drinks in one weekend. Easy. Two drinks and a supplement is about $8. Drink that same amount again in two hours plus maybe a bag of chips, add $12. Do the same thing again in the afternoon, $40. Something to tide me over on the walk home from right? Another $10. Oh, I haven't seen this drink before! Another $5 because why not buy two. I drank so much caffeine most days that when I didn't get any after waking up my whole body felt like it was filled with sludge for blood in my veins.
I was too dependent of a person to enjoy life on my own. I'd grown up with life always dependent on something else for happiness so I needed to work myself around that.
I tried deleting all of the ad sources off of my Facebook to see if it would make me happier. It didn't work. Twenty minutes later and about two hundred clicks before I realized that it had only been the very first page of all the possible add sources I'd involuntarily signed up for. Yeah, pretending to socialize with people on facebook was great but was it really all that advertisement-worth-great? No. No no no. I kind of wanted to vomit. Facebook, like everything else, was cool before it had been monetized. After that, like everything else, it sucked.
I changed my Facebook to say I lived in Fucking, Austria. That is a real town by the way. I wound up spending about thirty minutes again removing all of the ads from my Facebook. The only one I almost regretted was the Graveyard Shift, but I removed it anyway. Fuck you, Clickbait.
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