Days I Haven't Died

Proverbs 3: 3-7  Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. I feel awful. Why am I all mixed up in this mess anyways? I didn't want to die. Why did I feel like death was so constantly inevitably close? I wanted to feel that warm everything-is-alright feeling, that everyone-is-here feeling. I didn't know if I'd ever really feel it. It was like a cup of coffee in the morning but better, and I felt so uncertain of things. I knew I kept sabotaging myself and I wanted so badly to stop. How does something fix itself? My friends were suggesting rehab. Amy Winehouse's song "Rehab" played in my head in the most distasteful ...

It occurred to me that I may be, in fact, losing my mind. Life seemed all too fast to slow down, but there was no one around who could understand. Fearless. It was once a word I used to describe myself. Now, walking the same sidewalk on the same street I’d walked hundreds of times before, I felt fear. I felt fear because things were too nice. Besides myself, nothing seemed out of place. I kept looking up from my phone, as if someone were going to be running towards me with a knife, or driving at 60 miles per hour off road at 5 PM. I felt like I was going to die. I was afraid I was going to die, but not afraid because I trusted I’d rest in Jesus’ arms. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the one thing that I feared more than anything. Peaceful acceptance of the fact that I am in fact human, mortal, dying, not a God, and now dead, in the Son of God’s outstretched arms. I feared for my daughter. But at the same time, the calm was so promising that I knew everything would ...

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Prayer helped me more than anything today. Otherwise I would've lost my nerve. Imagine seeing this, this little girl, the only thing you felt you could truly cherish, and then being told you’d never speak to her again, be it out of exaggeratory spite or not. Or being told you’d been unfaithful when you’d bottled so many reasons to disagree. Knowing so many accounts of the contrary. Dear God, thank you, please. Help. Thou shall not judge. I wanted so badly to judge. Staying free of hate had to have been the hardest thing I'd done all week. Amelia looked so much happier with her mom. Gabe looked so much happier with Jackson, with Halley, or without me. My parents looked so much happier without me. Stefany looked so much happier without me. Everyone looked so much happier without me. And I felt pitiful every day without even seeing it for myself. Prayer was helping me now, too, because God didn't look any way with or without me, and I knew he didn'...

Over, dead, gone. I hope you carry on. I know I'm wrong for all I've done. I hope you find someone. Over, (Over) Dead, (Dead) Gone! (Gone-on-oh!) I wish you'd sing this song (this song) but, Don't fret; I'll carry on (on and on) No matter how long, long, long! (You've been gone) Over, (Over) Dead, (Dead) Gone! (Gone-on-oh!) I know it's wrong (it's so wrong) but, You said, "I can't lead (I'll leave) you on," (your own); I know you're strong (stay calm) through all (with God) the storm- But what if God is wrong? (Over! Dead! Gone!) Stuck inside contemplating: (My own head) If I stepped into your world- (I'm terrified!) would you do me justice? (When I can't escape) I can't stand seeing you hurt, but (I suffocate!) It seems I make things worse, and It's  (Inducing paranoia) like ice inside my veins, babe, and (I know you hate) when I call you names, I mean it (Singing to me)...

Zero. Houston, we have liftoff. You haven't done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy. John 16:24 NLT Gabe had been familiar with my behavior when I would depersonalize, although he didn't call it that. To him, I had just learned to not take anything seriously- to a fault. Right now, I was right fucking there.  Last night I'd thought that God had turned up the volume on the difficulty. Today, I'd realized he was only beginning to turn up the volume. It was like he was setting up that fucking noise from the THX ad you'd see at the beginning of movies.  Since I couldn't picture God, I pictured Frat-boy Jesus doing it.  Jesus seemed like a pretty loving guy. The Church Gang had said that it was ' Cool to be rude by God ' but they'd said I'd probably better not word it that way. If it was cool though, I imagined Jesus smiling as he blew out my eardrums with this noise.  You kno...

Hopelessness . Somehow the word fled my mind whenever anyone asked the questions it could answer. It had a ring to it; a tonality I'd recognized and craved for its familiarity. That must've been why I'd forget it so often. I always found that the things I craved, the things I longed for, whatever I cherished; all had the common attribute that I'd find myself at a loss for words to describe. Sure, I could search for the words but I didn't want to. A moment is lost once it is remarked upon. Not my words, but all of the things I couldn't immediately describe made me happy. I didn't want words for them because I didn't want to spoil the moment. As for hopelessness, I craved the empathy. Like someone felt like I did, too. Bible study. Okay. Game plan: no favoritism. Treat everyone the same. Stop saying 'heck yes'. Stay away from the women. 2 Samuel 11:12-13. King David and Uriah. I nearly know the story by heart. Moral of the story: men sho...

Six.  The verse of the day was, "Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name; ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24 KJV. I must say, the prayer I'd prayed, Dear God, please help shelter me from the promiscuous, (which I'd really wanted to phrase 'Dear God, save me from all these hoes,') and Dear God, please protect me from the sins of extramarital sex and all the desires of the flesh relating to lust, had worked pretty  fucking  well. I'm sorry, God. Please, God, Christ Jesus, Holy Spirit, forgive me for the cursing. My jeans hadn't been loose enough around my legs. Skinny fit, straight leg cuts  had  to feel  somewhat loose  or I'd spend the days feeling repulsive. I hadn't realized at the time how wrong that was under God. Not only was vanity a sin, but to feel  disgust  towards even one's self was  hate,  and a sin in itself. I remembered again how my wickedness had gone unpunished and unn...

Mad: to be very enthusiastic about someone or something. Exciting. Great; remarkable. If you cared enough as I did to dig deeper into the many different definitions of the word 'mad', these are what you would've found. I was quite mad indeed. Maybe today would go alright, I thought. Mondays always seemed to go fifty-fifty. You're going to be the one who decides how today goes,  I tell myself.  You're the one who is in charge if anything gets to you or not. I kept thinking about what Manny and Mo had told me about my "kryptonite".  It was funny, yeah, but because it was true... Scratch that. That's exactly why it was funny. I just didn't like it. The whole forever-alone idea dawned on me and my self esteem dropped a couple notches. Before it had been just 'ratchet women', deemed by Hailey and Hannah to be terrible influences. They were right about that, those girls I hung around would be spitroasted by a couple of college basketbal...