Please, feel free to take a moment and hate me. Hate me because this is literally all my fault, and a beautiful little girl could have a much better life if it wasn't for me.
Day 146. It's been 146 days since I first really tried to kill myself. I only remember because I started keeping track of the days I haven't yet died.
That beautiful, brilliant innocent little girl is my daughter. I can tell you right now that she's the main reason I'm not dead.
I can also tell you how ashamed I am that even though she's been in my life for 377 days I've spent at least 12 of those days attempting to kill myself. I can tell you that the very idea... the thought... it makes me sick to my stomach.
I want to vomit.
Nothing tastes good. Everything seems bitter. I constantly feel like I'm choking back tears.
I'm an alcoholic. I never thought I would be, but I literally can't handle one drink without ruining something.
I'm recovering from all these things that have made me completely destroy all of my relationships with everyone I love. I feel completely alone in this.
It makes me want to cry myself to sleep like a fucking child and I'm 22 years old. Male.
Male, because its important. Because gender identity changes everything. Oh, so does race.
Don't get me wrong here, because if you asked me I'd tell you that I don't believe in race and that were all one human race and the problem is ethnocentrism and cultural barriers but because we aren't all cultural anthropologists, race is a thing.
I'm a 22 year old white male who cries a lot and doesn't have a steady job, car, or place of his own, but also has a year old daughter.
A better father who was a stronger man, who didn't make excuses, who wasn't an alcoholic, who didn't air his dirty laundry in public, who didn't lose sight of what's important.
That's what I told 'baby mama'. I said If I ever kill myself, I need you to tell anyone who asks why that it was because I lost sight of what's important. Why? Because that's the only reason any man with a daughter would kill himself. I've literally lost sight of what was important so many times and I couldn't tell you a straight reason why.
It could be because I don't follow a faith. I had to take an 'assault behavior' class the other day and the teacher had a really good segment on having your behaviors match your values. Right now, I like that, because mine fucking don't. At all. So I guess I'll put it out here for everyone to look at.
I value having a home, transportation, and food on the table for my daughter. Currently, my actions have provided none of those. Okay, food. I have food. I get rides. I had a car, and it was impounded, because my stupid ass didn't make the better decision and left it somewhere using being on probation as an excuse to not drive or spend money on gas.
Let me take a brief breathe to say this is another reason I've tried to kill myself: because if I wasn't me, I would fucking hate me. Ironically, I am me, and I hate me, so I've clearly got some work today.
Okay, so home, transportation, food, all of that requires money. Money requires a job. From what I've discovered through much trial and error, keeping a job requires this crazy thing called stability.
Actually, everything in life requires stability. Every relationship, every job, anything that is going to rely on you, and therefore you can reap benefits from (benefits you wouldn't think of, like love, warmth, someone to listen to you, the ability to be alone and feel safe, to be around other people and feel safe, to not worry about whether not you are going to eat) requires stability.
Stability. I'm so fucking unfamiliar with the term that I'm actually going to look up the definition in the dictionary.
Stability: the state of being stable. It is synonymous with firmness, solidity, steadiness, strength, security, and safety. It also goes as far as balance of mind, sanity, normality, soundness, rationality, reason, sense. "His mental stability." Lasting nature. Enduring nature. Permanence. Changelessness. Invariability. Immutability. Indestructibility. Reliability. Dependability. "The stability of their relationship."
Oh, shit. That one stings. Like, think of a punch in the gut, while another fist is stuck in your throat.
Really, I have never been stable. I used to tell myself I never wanted to be stable. Where would the fun be in that? I thought. Yeah, clearly I forgot how much fun there is to having your own couch, your own TV, toys for your daughter and the FUN in just seeing her smile in front of you and not having to drive across town or fight with her mother or walk with her for miles to get her something. I could have easily have had all of that. I don't, and that's 100% my fault and I don't have anyone else to blame for it.
Strength. I suppose that's something some people would say I have. Solidity, maybe. I've definitely remained steadfast on this planet after all these attempts at trying to get myself off of it. Permanence. I can see that. But I guess what I want now is to create some sort of permanence, some enduring, lasting nature, some indestructible and dependable and reliable base for my daughter to grow off of.
Already I set myself up to fail, because I'm not doing this for myself. I've already established I don't give a flying fuck about myself, or where I end up, but okay, maybe I finally do because I want to be near her. I want to sleep near my daughter, so if she wakes up and cries I can be there. So if she is hungry I can feed her. So if she wants something, I can get it.
I can't do any of that right now, but at least the first step is admitting there is a problem. To the best of my understanding, the second step is even harder than the first step, because it involves lifting your sorry dead-ass stupid piece-of-shit son-of-a-bitch self up onto a whole 'nother level. That's why I've been sitting here for, what, six months? Saying, "I have a problem." I haven't done anything about it. I can say I didn't know, but that isn't true. Saying I didn't know is stupid. I should have known. I should have thought a little farther than thinking everything would take care of myself. See, that wasn't very rational, or sensible. That was... irrational. That's not a good trait to have.
FUCK! I can't believe my daughter is a year old and I'm only now having this mother fucking conversation with myself. I don't know what's gotten me to it finally, either, or if it's actually going to make a difference. I remember months ago, I was in the bathroom at my best-friend's older-brother's house, looking in the mirror. I was shaking a finger at myself in the mirror, saying, dude, this is your last chance. You fuck this up, you are literally fucked. You literally have lost everything. Well, guess what. I fucked up.
I lost everything. Some people will tell me some bullshit like, "It takes a lot of courage to say that," or, "you've been through a lot," but the truth is it doesn't mean shit because courage or being through a lot does not make you indestructible, dependable, reliable, stable, or sane. In fact, in my case I feel quite fragile, dependent, unreliable, unstable, and insane.
Why do I feel fragile? Because my confidence is literally depending on knowing whether or not someone replies to my messages on Facebook or leaves me with a read receipt on iMessage.
I feel dependent because I'm sleeping on someone's floor and eating leftovers that I can't even pay for and taking my daughter to another person's house because I don't want her to be where I'm staying.
Unreliable because I can't ever seem to be on time anywhere, I've been trying to change for God (mind you, I did not capitalize that word when I first wrote it) knows how long.
Positive note: I'm really glad I'm not the lady at the library who is afraid to sit right next to anyone near the computers.
Alright, stable and sane go hand in hand with this next admission of guilt. Sane. I used to think of religion and think it was the most insane thing to believe in. I thought down of anyone who looked up to God. Like, are you fucking stupid? Who's going to listen to you? Who the fuck is going to save you? Now I've kind of changed my mind. I'm going to tell you why, and it's going to make me look absolutely-fucking-crazy.
So, I thought it would be fucking funny to look into satanism. Funny, right? Life's all a big joke? Let's look at LaVeyan satanism like its a big funny joke and group of people who just dress goth and ...? Yeah, I'm not sure. I used to not really believe in any of anything and now I've witnessed and been a part of things that I can't believe actually happened, and still leave me covered in fucking goosebumps just for thinking about it.
There's a reason I'm going to capitalize God from here on out. There's a reason I'm going to be very careful, and I'm going to warn you to not go looking for things people tell you not to look for. Also, I can't tell you right now if this story is going to have a happy ending or not. This is real life, real time, and I'm scared as to whether I'm man enough to finally get my fucking act together and stand up for something... that I believe in.
I have to believe in something. What the actual fuck, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I have to, I have to believe in God.
A chill goes over my body. I don't know what that means, so I'm going to google it, because it's literally been happening all the time lately.
Yeah, okay, its nothing, strong emotion it says. Great, more strong emotions I'm feeling that I'm basically only half aware of. I feel like I can smell blood, or taste it.
That sounds really weird, doesn't it? All of this is weird to me.
I've been reading the Bible. I've met a girl whose name and address are a giant word play on the word happiness. I can't even believe this girl is real. However, I think she's the reason I actually start (there go the chills) believing in something.
No, this isn't about to be a love story. I can already tell that. People are only in your life for a reason, a season, or forever, and this one's a reason. I'd put money on it.
I start my first day at a new job tomorrow. I'm really sad still about losing the last one.
I've got a lot to follow up on tomorrow, but if I look at this way, I've literally found 'happiness', realized it isn't something you can keep especially if you aren't stable yourself, and lost literally everything to the point of not having anything left to lose.
This story might might not have a happy ending.
I might lose sight of what's important.
Day 146. It's been 146 days since I first really tried to kill myself. I only remember because I started keeping track of the days I haven't yet died.
I can also tell you how ashamed I am that even though she's been in my life for 377 days I've spent at least 12 of those days attempting to kill myself. I can tell you that the very idea... the thought... it makes me sick to my stomach.
I want to vomit.
Nothing tastes good. Everything seems bitter. I constantly feel like I'm choking back tears.
I'm an alcoholic. I never thought I would be, but I literally can't handle one drink without ruining something.
I'm recovering from all these things that have made me completely destroy all of my relationships with everyone I love. I feel completely alone in this.
It makes me want to cry myself to sleep like a fucking child and I'm 22 years old. Male.
Male, because its important. Because gender identity changes everything. Oh, so does race.
Don't get me wrong here, because if you asked me I'd tell you that I don't believe in race and that were all one human race and the problem is ethnocentrism and cultural barriers but because we aren't all cultural anthropologists, race is a thing.
I'm a 22 year old white male who cries a lot and doesn't have a steady job, car, or place of his own, but also has a year old daughter.
A better father who was a stronger man, who didn't make excuses, who wasn't an alcoholic, who didn't air his dirty laundry in public, who didn't lose sight of what's important.
That's what I told 'baby mama'. I said If I ever kill myself, I need you to tell anyone who asks why that it was because I lost sight of what's important. Why? Because that's the only reason any man with a daughter would kill himself. I've literally lost sight of what was important so many times and I couldn't tell you a straight reason why.
It could be because I don't follow a faith. I had to take an 'assault behavior' class the other day and the teacher had a really good segment on having your behaviors match your values. Right now, I like that, because mine fucking don't. At all. So I guess I'll put it out here for everyone to look at.
I value having a home, transportation, and food on the table for my daughter. Currently, my actions have provided none of those. Okay, food. I have food. I get rides. I had a car, and it was impounded, because my stupid ass didn't make the better decision and left it somewhere using being on probation as an excuse to not drive or spend money on gas.
Let me take a brief breathe to say this is another reason I've tried to kill myself: because if I wasn't me, I would fucking hate me. Ironically, I am me, and I hate me, so I've clearly got some work today.
Okay, so home, transportation, food, all of that requires money. Money requires a job. From what I've discovered through much trial and error, keeping a job requires this crazy thing called stability.
Actually, everything in life requires stability. Every relationship, every job, anything that is going to rely on you, and therefore you can reap benefits from (benefits you wouldn't think of, like love, warmth, someone to listen to you, the ability to be alone and feel safe, to be around other people and feel safe, to not worry about whether not you are going to eat) requires stability.
Stability. I'm so fucking unfamiliar with the term that I'm actually going to look up the definition in the dictionary.
Stability: the state of being stable. It is synonymous with firmness, solidity, steadiness, strength, security, and safety. It also goes as far as balance of mind, sanity, normality, soundness, rationality, reason, sense. "His mental stability." Lasting nature. Enduring nature. Permanence. Changelessness. Invariability. Immutability. Indestructibility. Reliability. Dependability. "The stability of their relationship."
Oh, shit. That one stings. Like, think of a punch in the gut, while another fist is stuck in your throat.
Really, I have never been stable. I used to tell myself I never wanted to be stable. Where would the fun be in that? I thought. Yeah, clearly I forgot how much fun there is to having your own couch, your own TV, toys for your daughter and the FUN in just seeing her smile in front of you and not having to drive across town or fight with her mother or walk with her for miles to get her something. I could have easily have had all of that. I don't, and that's 100% my fault and I don't have anyone else to blame for it.
Strength. I suppose that's something some people would say I have. Solidity, maybe. I've definitely remained steadfast on this planet after all these attempts at trying to get myself off of it. Permanence. I can see that. But I guess what I want now is to create some sort of permanence, some enduring, lasting nature, some indestructible and dependable and reliable base for my daughter to grow off of.
Already I set myself up to fail, because I'm not doing this for myself. I've already established I don't give a flying fuck about myself, or where I end up, but okay, maybe I finally do because I want to be near her. I want to sleep near my daughter, so if she wakes up and cries I can be there. So if she is hungry I can feed her. So if she wants something, I can get it.
I can't do any of that right now, but at least the first step is admitting there is a problem. To the best of my understanding, the second step is even harder than the first step, because it involves lifting your sorry dead-ass stupid piece-of-shit son-of-a-bitch self up onto a whole 'nother level. That's why I've been sitting here for, what, six months? Saying, "I have a problem." I haven't done anything about it. I can say I didn't know, but that isn't true. Saying I didn't know is stupid. I should have known. I should have thought a little farther than thinking everything would take care of myself. See, that wasn't very rational, or sensible. That was... irrational. That's not a good trait to have.
FUCK! I can't believe my daughter is a year old and I'm only now having this mother fucking conversation with myself. I don't know what's gotten me to it finally, either, or if it's actually going to make a difference. I remember months ago, I was in the bathroom at my best-friend's older-brother's house, looking in the mirror. I was shaking a finger at myself in the mirror, saying, dude, this is your last chance. You fuck this up, you are literally fucked. You literally have lost everything. Well, guess what. I fucked up.
I lost everything. Some people will tell me some bullshit like, "It takes a lot of courage to say that," or, "you've been through a lot," but the truth is it doesn't mean shit because courage or being through a lot does not make you indestructible, dependable, reliable, stable, or sane. In fact, in my case I feel quite fragile, dependent, unreliable, unstable, and insane.
Why do I feel fragile? Because my confidence is literally depending on knowing whether or not someone replies to my messages on Facebook or leaves me with a read receipt on iMessage.
I feel dependent because I'm sleeping on someone's floor and eating leftovers that I can't even pay for and taking my daughter to another person's house because I don't want her to be where I'm staying.
Unreliable because I can't ever seem to be on time anywhere, I've been trying to change for God (mind you, I did not capitalize that word when I first wrote it) knows how long.
Positive note: I'm really glad I'm not the lady at the library who is afraid to sit right next to anyone near the computers.
Alright, stable and sane go hand in hand with this next admission of guilt. Sane. I used to think of religion and think it was the most insane thing to believe in. I thought down of anyone who looked up to God. Like, are you fucking stupid? Who's going to listen to you? Who the fuck is going to save you? Now I've kind of changed my mind. I'm going to tell you why, and it's going to make me look absolutely-fucking-crazy.
So, I thought it would be fucking funny to look into satanism. Funny, right? Life's all a big joke? Let's look at LaVeyan satanism like its a big funny joke and group of people who just dress goth and ...? Yeah, I'm not sure. I used to not really believe in any of anything and now I've witnessed and been a part of things that I can't believe actually happened, and still leave me covered in fucking goosebumps just for thinking about it.
There's a reason I'm going to capitalize God from here on out. There's a reason I'm going to be very careful, and I'm going to warn you to not go looking for things people tell you not to look for. Also, I can't tell you right now if this story is going to have a happy ending or not. This is real life, real time, and I'm scared as to whether I'm man enough to finally get my fucking act together and stand up for something... that I believe in.
I have to believe in something. What the actual fuck, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I have to, I have to believe in God.
A chill goes over my body. I don't know what that means, so I'm going to google it, because it's literally been happening all the time lately.
Yeah, okay, its nothing, strong emotion it says. Great, more strong emotions I'm feeling that I'm basically only half aware of. I feel like I can smell blood, or taste it.
That sounds really weird, doesn't it? All of this is weird to me.
I've been reading the Bible. I've met a girl whose name and address are a giant word play on the word happiness. I can't even believe this girl is real. However, I think she's the reason I actually start (there go the chills) believing in something.
No, this isn't about to be a love story. I can already tell that. People are only in your life for a reason, a season, or forever, and this one's a reason. I'd put money on it.
I start my first day at a new job tomorrow. I'm really sad still about losing the last one.
I've got a lot to follow up on tomorrow, but if I look at this way, I've literally found 'happiness', realized it isn't something you can keep especially if you aren't stable yourself, and lost literally everything to the point of not having anything left to lose.
This story might might not have a happy ending.
I might lose sight of what's important.
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