Days I Haven't Died

It occurred to me that I may be, in fact, losing my mind. Life seemed all too fast to slow down, but there was no one around who could understand. Fearless. It was once a word I used to describe myself. Now, walking the same sidewalk on the same street I’d walked hundreds of times before, I felt fear. I felt fear because things were too nice. Besides myself, nothing seemed out of place. I kept looking up from my phone, as if someone were going to be running towards me with a knife, or driving at 60 miles per hour off road at 5 PM. I felt like I was going to die. I was afraid I was going to die, but not afraid because I trusted I’d rest in Jesus’ arms. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the one thing that I feared more than anything. Peaceful acceptance of the fact that I am in fact human, mortal, dying, not a God, and now dead, in the Son of God’s outstretched arms. I feared for my daughter. But at the same time, the calm was so promising that I knew everything would ...

Amelia meant everything to me. Unfortunately, for someone who found meaningless meaning in nothing and everything all at once, knowing what to do with that ‘meaning everything to me’ put forth a very difficult predicament. I’d wound up missing therapy because I’d felt too sick to move. Luckily I made it to the toilet before I exploded upon myself; after that I laid on the living room floor, contemplating whether I’d call into work as well and risk the meager amount of money I’d make but certainly needed or simply go in and risk having to leave. I chose the latter, luckily, because I woke up to Emily coming home from errands with more than I expected or even deserved. She’d gotten me tee shirts, pants, even socks (which I’m sure were to the benefit of everyone in the household, as my feet had begun to smell like rot), and I couldn’t express my gratitude enough. Hell, I felt so happy because of what she’d done for me that when she came by my job later to drop off something else ...

Many times I've thought to myself that all of my problems could be attributed to being pretty. If someone took away my sex appeal now, I would have nothing, and if someone were to have taken it away years ago, not a bit of my life would be the same. No girls. No self-image discrepancies. Worst of all, no Amelia. I learned last night that on my second attempt two weekends ago I was brought to my parents house. My friend didn't know what else to do but she assumed my parents would want to know at least. Nope. Wrong. There I was, completely unconscious in her car and all they had to say was that, "I wasn't supposed to be there," and, "There's a no contact order." That solves the mystery of how I moved from the downtown area to a hospital in West Des Moines. Here's a tip to everyone who is thinking of becoming a parent: future reference, don't disown your children or cut them out of your life or write them off, or even treat them, like an expens...