Days I Haven't Died

I'd forgotten to write about an epiphany I had several days before this and only possessed the note I left in my iPhone to remind me to blog about it. Not only what days were lived but how more days should be lived and what you should do during those days! Now, it sounded like manic resolve to plan ahead for a better future. I remembered feeling that it was the qualities of what you'd do in those days you had lived your life that were important rather than the actual doings themselves. I started my new job and of course, just like any other place I went, found myself hit with the, "You doing okay?" question midway through the day. I knew that at that point in the day, while I'd been running on little sleep and tended to have a miserable look on my face even in the happiest of circumstances, it had to have been common courtesy. While there may have been no ill will, I still scolded myself, thus deepening the constant cold front that was my demeanor, for being so...

3rd November 2017 I had no idea who would be calling from the community worried about me. My probation officer let me know he'd received multiple calls from the community concerning me. In other words, people had been worried and called about it. I didn't ask who'd called or what they might've said because I didn't want to know. It angered me to know anyone would think to go over my head and I thought that anger was better left directionless. The probation office meeting was a quick quarter hour followed by the quarter hour drive back home. I caught up on the newest episode of Lucifer with the roommate. Lucifer told the woman whose body his mother had inhabited that he'd missed his mother; it was touching. During the episode that he cast his mother out of earth, she cried to him for how much she would miss him and he backed away in silence. I thought about my own mother and father, but not for more than a moment. I imagined them or my brothers calling, ...

It felt like I'd floated off of the planet for a few days. I was listening to Demi Lovato's newest album for no reason in particular. Whatever emotional connotations I'd been assigning to things seemed to have disappeared. After learning to 'let go and let God' on all of the emotional (bullshit) things I'd been concerning myself with, I started to helplessly look at everything objectively. Seriously. The only reason the word helpless made it into that last sentence is because I viewed writing that lacked emotional turmoil as   being devoid of interest. I didn't like writing boring things. However, it could be for the best. My stomach had been hurting every day again just like it always had. Public bathrooms had originally became my sanctuary for that reason. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without getting a stomachache. That had also been a reason I'd hated eating so much in the past and even now, especially now; while my stomach burned...

"The dose maketh the poison," - Paracelsus  Twenty?  Maybe seventeen?  Maybe artistic license because I’m an attention whore? Three to start the day.  Three to get through the rest of it. I fought with the idea of drinking after work all day.  A quick visit to my instagram photos revealing pictures of Amelia and I, joyful and playing, promptly made my decision for me. “Drinking it is,” I said aloud. Maybe it, no, it definitely was, counterintuitive,  Still, my decision was made. A couple kilometers later I was sitting at the bar having my oh so relished bloody mary. Couldn’t forget my Hennessy. Oh, how I loved my Hennessy.  Double shot. Praise God, right? Nope. I didn’t think I was drunk enough to consider it a sin. Besides, I hated beaten off, so I had done pretty well in the last 24 hours, right? Wrong. I was still justifying, therefore judging, my own actions. Being my own God. Before going to Bible Study. Did I mention I cr...

"Call me," had been the signal to shut my phone off. Sorry, Kristen. ~Carnivorous Cats~ My left forearm looked as if it'd been used as a shield to fight off a relentless onslaught of cats whose claws had never before seen clippers. There I was, that fateful night, out far past my bedtime, wandering in the woods. The moonlight played with the wind and trees to create monsters and mythical beasts in the corners of my eyes, but little did I know the real danger lurking all around me. I could hear the hoot of owls, the flutter of wings. Nothing out of the ordinary, I'd been here many times. If I'd listen carefully enough, I could hear the soft skittering of mice as they cautiously crawled beneath fallen leaves and logs to avoid becoming late-night snacks. The mice. It must've been the mice that had attracted them, the smell of their weak, tiny flesh that had led the bloodthirsty kittens to those woods. Tripping over a broken branch, I landed hard on ...