I'd forgotten to write about an epiphany I had several days before this and only possessed the note I left in my iPhone to remind me to blog about it. Not only what days were lived but how more days should be lived and what you should do during those days! Now, it sounded like manic resolve to plan ahead for a better future. I remembered feeling that it was the qualities of what you'd do in those days you had lived your life that were important rather than the actual doings themselves.
I started my new job and of course, just like any other place I went, found myself hit with the, "You doing okay?" question midway through the day. I knew that at that point in the day, while I'd been running on little sleep and tended to have a miserable look on my face even in the happiest of circumstances, it had to have been common courtesy. While there may have been no ill will, I still scolded myself, thus deepening the constant cold front that was my demeanor, for being so critical and so coldly observant of my new employers. I didn't mean to be different, I simply couldn't help but stand a foot or so away and watch my trainers work with the utmost seriousness because I didn't know what needed to be done, or rather how to do what needed to be done.
Luckily Sunday morning was not as cold as Saturday, but unfortunately Saturday afternoon proved to be much warmer than Sunday evening. Danny and I met for a moment as I accompanied him to a store to look at watches, but we quickly set upon separate paths in the cold winds as we realized there was hardly a thing to do.
Besides that, I was already exhausted. My circadian rhythm didn't quite find one day or good intentions as enough to change my body's sleep schedule and I wound up only getting three and a half hours of sleep. I woke up at five to walk to work after a quick shower and walked home, growing more exhausted save my mind each step. By the time I'd finished with Danny and wound up at the library I only was able to snag twenty-five minutes at the computer. I felt quickly pressed into a somber evening; it wasn't nice enough weather to go for a walk or wander about. While going back home and reading didn't sound appalling it didn't sound glamorous or attractive either.
Work had asked yesterday if I'd be coming in for the next shift. I tried to pry my mind away from the idea that they asked me that question because of my facial expression (or lack thereof) rather than no more than an attempt at playful banter while inquiring as to how I felt about my new job.
Several things had happened in the last three days that I loathed remembering simply for the sheer fact that they were uncomfortable, shameful, and dull. While I tried in conversation to spice up my whining with comedic commentary, the fact of the matter was that more often than not complaining was only complaining and had a much shorter shelf-life than the rest of all possible things one could talk or read about in terms of sustenance.
I still missed Amelia.
I watched as the seconds slowly ticked past and away on the library's computer screen, and I headed off, dragging my feet towards my next destination.
***
I wound up working out with Danny.
I stared into my own eyes in the mirror and meticulously corrected the shape of my face and the aligbment of my shoulders. No wonder I’d been feeling off balance. One of my shoulders held almost a full inch and a half over the other. My left eye seemed yo be more closed than my right, so I corrected that, too, memorizing the feeling. It reminded me of the times I’d wondered why my sales had dropped at Barnes & Noble before I realized how asymmetrical my face and posture was. That, plus my perpetual frown, didn’t sell anything. Once I started holding one side of my face taut, measuring my shoulders, widening my lips and parting them and hanging my upper lip above my teeth in an approachable grin, my sales came back.
I’d figured out my problem for the time being but it felt like punishment just to feel normal again. At least while I lifted it became a game to take all the stress and strain from my face and work it into my burning muscles. Postures, gaits, vocal and facial habits were all reformable. I’d forgotten how important taking time to lift was to feeling (&living) with a healthy body. It was like meditation for your bones. For a moment, I imagined Danny and I studying Bible verses while we lifted. Body & soul growth sessions in one? Can I get an Amen?
Money was still way tighter than it should’ve, correction-
Than I should have ever let it-
Been. I’d been paid two-hundred and twenty-five dollars two days ago and sat now with a measly sixteen cents in my bank account. Phone bill? Ninety-five dollars. Credits posted late to your account from your last paycheck? Sixty dollars. Old boss says since you can’t turn in your uniform, it’s going to be twenty five dollars. You think about taking off without paying up, thinking maybe he’s just extorting you and going to claim it to his beer fund, but in good faithyou pay anyways since you did sign up for this upon employment. A meal for myself and a friend at McDonalds? Thirteen dollars. Quarters for laundry? Ten dollars. Rent? Two hundred fifty dollars. Here I was sitting with -$228 in my pocket, wondering how on earth I’d ever get myself out of this mess, but still having faith for the best.
Winding up homeless seemed like a fine line I was walking and while I might’ve been covered in stress sweat still I hadn’t fallen beyond return.
My schedule in the upcoming weeks clashed enough right in the beginning to riddle my hands to be wrung with anxiety until at least two paychecks. Time ceased to be measured in seconds and began to be measured in cents. Every moment now had two weights of value, if not three (a mysterious third I might not yet have known).
I’d have to try to get ahold of Stefany so I could be with Amelia. I was staving off the feeling of dying to see her so I could remain sane enough to keep my jobs. I’d talk to my therapist on Wednesday to figure out how to have ‘proof’ I was being treated. It was a lot of work, juggling (the idea of) two jobs, probation, therapy, doctor visits and sleep all without any reliable transport during the middle of winter (without a winter coat), but admist all the cold and dreary hopeless feelings one might’ve felt, I was unphased.
That’s the crazy thing about Faith. While the rest of the world revolved, two brooding young men disheveled and often melancholy sat in near joy at that restaurant table, immune to the rest of the worlds negativity and words simply because of Faith in God’s Word. Some people might’ve seen a mess, even they might’ve seen a mess being part of it, yet they remained unfaltering in their continuance of life, diverted from their self destructive histories towards some better direction.
I felt blessed amidst all my curses.
I started my new job and of course, just like any other place I went, found myself hit with the, "You doing okay?" question midway through the day. I knew that at that point in the day, while I'd been running on little sleep and tended to have a miserable look on my face even in the happiest of circumstances, it had to have been common courtesy. While there may have been no ill will, I still scolded myself, thus deepening the constant cold front that was my demeanor, for being so critical and so coldly observant of my new employers. I didn't mean to be different, I simply couldn't help but stand a foot or so away and watch my trainers work with the utmost seriousness because I didn't know what needed to be done, or rather how to do what needed to be done.
Luckily Sunday morning was not as cold as Saturday, but unfortunately Saturday afternoon proved to be much warmer than Sunday evening. Danny and I met for a moment as I accompanied him to a store to look at watches, but we quickly set upon separate paths in the cold winds as we realized there was hardly a thing to do.
Besides that, I was already exhausted. My circadian rhythm didn't quite find one day or good intentions as enough to change my body's sleep schedule and I wound up only getting three and a half hours of sleep. I woke up at five to walk to work after a quick shower and walked home, growing more exhausted save my mind each step. By the time I'd finished with Danny and wound up at the library I only was able to snag twenty-five minutes at the computer. I felt quickly pressed into a somber evening; it wasn't nice enough weather to go for a walk or wander about. While going back home and reading didn't sound appalling it didn't sound glamorous or attractive either.
Work had asked yesterday if I'd be coming in for the next shift. I tried to pry my mind away from the idea that they asked me that question because of my facial expression (or lack thereof) rather than no more than an attempt at playful banter while inquiring as to how I felt about my new job.
Several things had happened in the last three days that I loathed remembering simply for the sheer fact that they were uncomfortable, shameful, and dull. While I tried in conversation to spice up my whining with comedic commentary, the fact of the matter was that more often than not complaining was only complaining and had a much shorter shelf-life than the rest of all possible things one could talk or read about in terms of sustenance.
I still missed Amelia.
I watched as the seconds slowly ticked past and away on the library's computer screen, and I headed off, dragging my feet towards my next destination.
***
I wound up working out with Danny.
I stared into my own eyes in the mirror and meticulously corrected the shape of my face and the aligbment of my shoulders. No wonder I’d been feeling off balance. One of my shoulders held almost a full inch and a half over the other. My left eye seemed yo be more closed than my right, so I corrected that, too, memorizing the feeling. It reminded me of the times I’d wondered why my sales had dropped at Barnes & Noble before I realized how asymmetrical my face and posture was. That, plus my perpetual frown, didn’t sell anything. Once I started holding one side of my face taut, measuring my shoulders, widening my lips and parting them and hanging my upper lip above my teeth in an approachable grin, my sales came back.
I’d figured out my problem for the time being but it felt like punishment just to feel normal again. At least while I lifted it became a game to take all the stress and strain from my face and work it into my burning muscles. Postures, gaits, vocal and facial habits were all reformable. I’d forgotten how important taking time to lift was to feeling (&living) with a healthy body. It was like meditation for your bones. For a moment, I imagined Danny and I studying Bible verses while we lifted. Body & soul growth sessions in one? Can I get an Amen?
Money was still way tighter than it should’ve, correction-
Than I should have ever let it-
Been. I’d been paid two-hundred and twenty-five dollars two days ago and sat now with a measly sixteen cents in my bank account. Phone bill? Ninety-five dollars. Credits posted late to your account from your last paycheck? Sixty dollars. Old boss says since you can’t turn in your uniform, it’s going to be twenty five dollars. You think about taking off without paying up, thinking maybe he’s just extorting you and going to claim it to his beer fund, but in good faithyou pay anyways since you did sign up for this upon employment. A meal for myself and a friend at McDonalds? Thirteen dollars. Quarters for laundry? Ten dollars. Rent? Two hundred fifty dollars. Here I was sitting with -$228 in my pocket, wondering how on earth I’d ever get myself out of this mess, but still having faith for the best.
Winding up homeless seemed like a fine line I was walking and while I might’ve been covered in stress sweat still I hadn’t fallen beyond return.
My schedule in the upcoming weeks clashed enough right in the beginning to riddle my hands to be wrung with anxiety until at least two paychecks. Time ceased to be measured in seconds and began to be measured in cents. Every moment now had two weights of value, if not three (a mysterious third I might not yet have known).
I’d have to try to get ahold of Stefany so I could be with Amelia. I was staving off the feeling of dying to see her so I could remain sane enough to keep my jobs. I’d talk to my therapist on Wednesday to figure out how to have ‘proof’ I was being treated. It was a lot of work, juggling (the idea of) two jobs, probation, therapy, doctor visits and sleep all without any reliable transport during the middle of winter (without a winter coat), but admist all the cold and dreary hopeless feelings one might’ve felt, I was unphased.
That’s the crazy thing about Faith. While the rest of the world revolved, two brooding young men disheveled and often melancholy sat in near joy at that restaurant table, immune to the rest of the worlds negativity and words simply because of Faith in God’s Word. Some people might’ve seen a mess, even they might’ve seen a mess being part of it, yet they remained unfaltering in their continuance of life, diverted from their self destructive histories towards some better direction.
I felt blessed amidst all my curses.
Comments
Post a Comment