Days I Haven't Died

I’m cold inside, from trauma caused by  drama and lies  when couples fight  and loved ones die. When family and friends choose opposing sides  of what’s wrong or what’s right,  and I’m left to decide  to whom which I belong,  leaving cold feelings deep in my soul,  so cold I feel frozen  and left on the outside because  none that I love see eye to eye. I feel so alone,  I don’t know where to go. Hope can be treacherous,  the lack of it too.  Shall I lead or follow?  I know not what to do. For all my choices so far have led me astray and listening to others only brought me dismay. Heartbreaks inevitable no matter which path I take.  All that I know is I can’t stay the same. I long for assurance that I’ll be okay.  But okay is not simple for someone like me who needs strong faith in where these paths lead.  Doubt clouds my heart, knowing not what to believe.  That’s why many times I’ve chosen to leave. But clearly God says thats not m

I want to let you in, I’d love to show you all around.  But where do I begin? Careful over there, it’s easy here to drown. Let me know as soon as you want to go, I know you imagine this place a palace, But it’s often very cold, And the air here tastes of malice.  I promise you’ll be safe here, Though I warn you to be wary. This is all that I hold dear,  Although inside it may look barren. In the first room are my mementos, Reminding me of all I’ve cast aside. An ocean beyond the second door, From tears my loved ones cried. The third simply won’t open though, I tore off it’s handle long ago.  Its where I once forgave myself, What for in time you’ll know, In short for those I drug through hell, Some pain can’t be forgiven for. The fourth room is also locked, Where I keep my hopes and dreams. It’s the largest of them all, Safe from all the world to see. At night, once the silence comes, And all the world falls asleep, This palace

Inside, everything’s on fire How am I still alive? I decide to keep on fighting When will the end arrive? I need someone’s attention to pull me out of this Desire for affection while the touch is meaningless It’s hard to be so hungry for what I’ve never missed It’s tearing me to pieces and one has gone amiss I can’t replace it, I’ll never try Believe me it’s still very much alive It’s hard that it’s not with me It’s tearing me apart inside All the time it’s took to face this Without choking on my pride Has left me burned and faithless That’s why I need you by my side You were supposed to be the light to show me life. Instead you left me broken and bitter, betrayed and cast aside. How could I have forseen this? All the words you said were lies. If I fell you said you’d catch me, But instead you stabbed me from behind. Now if you think I’ll listen, You’re out of your fucking mind. You said you would catch me. In the end you let me fal

Sometimes I feel that I’m lost beneath the surface. No purpose, I’m worthless. I feel so heavy. No matter what I try is never working. Prescriptions, conflicting. My story is ending.  I’m crying out for help but no one’s listening. I’m lying, inside me. I tried so hard to end the fight but it’s still going. I’m lonely, so hold me. Tell me that I’m not the only one who knows this. Believe me when I say I feel defenseless. My will keeps dissolving. Who would’ve thought growing up would be this hard Who could’ve known that we’d wind up so far apart As the sunlight fades away Our memories will never change And even though you’re worlds away Our star-crossed love will stay the same As yesterday

Lately I’ve been feeling weightless,  Being used to gravity. It’s very disconcerting Learning to feel free. Still I’m imprisoned by addictions, Forever fearing letting go Of these vices creating dissension Between my body and my soul I can’t go on divided, I decide I must be whole Because now with bittersweet delight I found another who shares the pain I know.  I confused vulnerability with weakness, Familiarity with fear. Delusions with what I’m seeing, Distorting everything I feel.  For years I’ve been escaping, Hiding behind these prescriptions. But now I hate how they have changed me, My entirety conflicted.  One to replace the ambition that once was in my heart, A second erasing fears and doubts I should have overcome. I thought I’d never change, but now’s the time to start. I’ve found someone feeling just like me, I’m not the only one.  Lately I’ve been feeling higher, After always feeling low.  This time I have to fig