Weightless

Lately I’ve been feeling weightless, 

Being used to gravity.

It’s very disconcerting

Learning to feel free.

Still I’m imprisoned by addictions,

Forever fearing letting go

Of these vices creating dissension

Between my body and my soul

I can’t go on divided, I decide I must be whole

Because now with bittersweet delight

I found another who shares the pain I know. 

I confused vulnerability with weakness,

Familiarity with fear.

Delusions with what I’m seeing,

Distorting everything I feel. 

For years I’ve been escaping,

Hiding behind these prescriptions.

But now I hate how they have changed me,

My entirety conflicted. 

One to replace the ambition that once was in my heart,

A second erasing fears and doubts I should have overcome.

I thought I’d never change, but now’s the time to start.

I’ve found someone feeling just like me,

I’m not the only one. 

Lately I’ve been feeling higher,

After always feeling low. 

This time I have to fight it,

All these vices need to go.

I found brilliance bright as sunlight,

Shining from human soul,

Whose smile, just like the sunrise,

Displaced the blue and bitter cold.

Who suffers the same as I do,

Broken within where none can go.

Terrified of what one might do,

Feeling inescapably alone.

I knew you without these vices,

Still I failed myself again.

Left to my own devices,

I let my fears take hold and win.

I confused vulnerability with weakness,

Familiarity with fear.

Delusions with what I’m seeing,

Distorting everything I feel. 

I’ve never been so happy,

Levels of joy I’d never dreamed.

As if by some happy accident

Meeting you was meant to be.

It all felt so familiar,

Yet every little thing was new.

Every word you speak is genius.

...And so I feared it weren’t true. 

I resorted to my vices.

I fell backwards once again.

I can’t let myself do this any longer,

Please let me see this end.

I want you to know all of me, 

Just like you said you wanted to.

But as these pills destroy me piece by piece,

I’m left empty, cold, unglued.

Lately I’ve been feeling weightless,

As if I’m drifting into space.

It’s cold, dark, and faithless.

I’ve lost the plot without a trace.

After nearly naming all your demons, 

Which were my demons too,

And you said you felt the same,

It became clearer and clearer-

These pills are driving me insane. 

You’ve shown me the real you,

The ins-and-outs of your mind.

You said you trusted me with those things,

Of course I’d trust you with all of mine.

These vices aren’t a part of me,

But right now they’re in my blood.

You don’t deserve a broken person,

Dear God please let me change for good.

I confused vulnerability with weakness,

Familiarity with fear.

Delusions with what I’m seeing,

Distorting everything I feel. 

There’s a war inside my head;

A fight against the genocide

Of everything I love

And all I know is right.

Me against my addiction,

This time I’ll end this right.

I used to be conflicted,

But not since having you by my side.

You arrived in my life like Spring,

After the wicked wretched Winter.

You warmed my heart so I could sing,

While these vices made me shiver.

You made my minutes into moments,

Your smile lights up my eyes. 

But these pills don’t stop to smell the roses,

Leaving every bit of me deprived.

To hell with artificial ambition,

I’ve seen passion in your eyes!

I’ll fight whatever fear I have

‘Cause I’ve got you by my side.

No point in caring if it’ll be hard,

I can’t live like this any longer.

Going on would only tear me apart,

But knowing you makes me feel stronger.

Lately I’ve been feeling resilient,

After hearing all you have to say.

It’s very reassuring to know that you’ve felt the same as me.

Erasing all I envisioned

Realizing with these vices

I mourn my chosen prison

And the years I spent inside it.

While I fear the world outside,

There’s no chance I’ll fear it long.

Because you’re like me, 

And in you I see someone very strong.

I’d begun to lose my fear before

I’d found so much of you in me.

Mistakenly, I’d been insecure,

Relapsed, but still I’d see

Day by day and piece by piece,

Smile by smile and fleeting moment,

You seem so much like me. 

Now when our demons revel from deep within we needn’t feel so lonely,

We’ll fight these wars together,

I’ll be your suit of armor, 

for with you nothing could destroy me. 

This war against my vices, however

Is mine to fight alone.

At least that’s what I tell myself,

“You can do this on your own.”

Instead, I failed, against my word,

After swearing that I wouldn’t,

Your advice against it I ignored,

Thinking only of that moment.

You watched as I not only lost but forfeit.

You didn’t say much, I truly hope that you forget.

Still I imagined what you thought of me, filling me with regret.

I fought to prove something pointless to prove,

Wishing I never listened to myself, I’d been better off believing you. 

I confused vulnerability with weakness,

Familiarity with fear.

Delusions with what I’m seeing,

Distorting everything I feel-

Until realizing what the drugs truly do,

Only a mask that never cured me,

Hiding reality and it’s truth;

Because to be vulnerable takes the strength and faith to know you will be hurt.

Familiarity found in surprising places brings us to homes we’ve never set foot.

Fearing trust and love being cast away, disowned, is simply wrong. True love never does such things, by nature it never could.

Delusions become distortions, as fear corrupts all that’s true,

Because every emotion that you feel grew something great from a real feeling’s root.

Those feelings are resilient, brilliant, and endless fountain of wondrous things, as great as mountains and waterfalls cascading.

As rivers flow forever in pure beauty,

Let all you feel be never fading. 

Lately I’ve been feeling weightless,

After only knowing gravity.

At first it was disconcerting,

Learning to feel free.

I’d been a prisoner of my addictions,

Forever fearing letting go

Of the vices creating dissension

Between my body and soul.

I’m done with these divisions, as I’m finally becoming whole.

Outside my prison, I saw brilliance.

Shining bright like sunlight, 

Inside a someone’s soul,

Who’d once been prisoner too.

I knew if one could, I could too,

Now I’m finally letting go.

So now I cast aside my vices

To find a home I’d never known.

Lately I’ve been feeling wonder,

After spending time with you.

I feel the highest I’ve ever felt,

Being sober around you.