I simply never learned

I’m cold inside,

from trauma caused by 

drama and lies 

when couples fight 

and loved ones die.

When family and friends choose opposing sides 

of what’s wrong or what’s right, 

and

I’m left to decide 

to whom which I belong, 

leaving cold feelings deep in my soul, 

so cold I feel frozen 

and left on the outside because 

none that I love see eye to eye.

I feel so alone, 

I don’t know where to go.

Hope can be treacherous, 

the lack of it too. 

Shall I lead or follow? 

I know not what to do.

For all my choices so far have led me astray and listening to others only brought me dismay.

Heartbreaks inevitable no matter which path I take. 

All that I know is I can’t stay the same.

I long for assurance that I’ll be okay. 

But okay is not simple for someone like me who needs strong faith in where these paths lead. 

Doubt clouds my heart, knowing not what to believe. 

That’s why many times I’ve chosen to leave. But clearly God says thats not meant for me. A hemorrhage, car crashes, and overdoses galore. 

If only I knew traces of what here I am for,

then maybe, just maybe, 

I’d feel some sort of secure. 

But relations aside, 

I’ve tried many times 

to make things right 

between myself and I. 

Ive lied, I’ve been wrong, 

while I still carry on 

through what damage I’ve done, 

people say that I’m strong 

while others certain just dumb. 

Everyday I wonder what Ive become 

besides ugly, melancholy, and a burden to love. 

While God may love all, and some humans do too, 

I understand everyone who can’t stand me for what I’ve put them through. 

That’s why when others are pulled to where I am too, 

I push them away choosing safe solitude. 

All because I’ve never learned how to love how I’m supposed to.