"Is it because you're in love with her?"
It had been a couple years since I'd began meticulously seeking the definitions of terms I wasn't sure I truly knew the meaning of.
I didn't know whether I was in love with her or just paralyzed by her proximity.
I didn't know what was going to happen in court this week considering I wouldn't be there. My lawyer had asked me to prepare a couple of things in case my dismissal wasn't granted, but I didn't really see the good in fighting anymore and the things I'd been asked to prepare would've been exceedingly difficult to obtain while keeping the rest of the week in order.
It was Wednesday and I had the day off. My hours this week had been cut by nine for some reason but I was grateful for the free time.
I opened the Bible App last night after bible study was finished and the rest of the The Church Gang socialized. The app contains a tab where it says 'what the Bible says about' and then a variety of feelings that apparently most people look to the bible for help with. I gave it a shot.
Fear. Love. Anxiety. Worry. Desire. I don't remember exactly which ones I'd hit but I buzzed through all of them. Nothing really seemed to hit the right bell. Everything cross referenced itself, 'let go and let God' in simple terms, but all that left me with was me, being my paralyzed self, not knowing what to say or do, and because why?
"Got so much to lose, got so much to prove, God don't let me lose my mind. Trouble on my left, trouble on my right. I've been facing trouble almost all my life. My sweet love won't you put me through? Everywhere I go I catch a glimpse of you." - "Trouble" - Cage the Elephant
I felt The Serenity Prayer in the back of my head. I had to take a 'roll call' of everything I was feeling by some deductive reasoning. The wisdom to know the difference between the things I cannot change and the things I can needed some establishing of whatever those things were.
She didn't love me, at least in the way people would imagine I loved her. Did I want to change that? Not necessarily. I didn't think that would be for the good of anyone or anything.
She didn't want to talk to me, at least to the degree I wanted to talk to her. Did I want to change that? I supposed I wished it weren't so, but I also had found enough Bible verses that warranted me staying as far away from her as I could. The company of fools brings misery and harm, etc. I didn't want her to hurt.
I wanted to understand how she thought, what she thought, what went through her head, but I suppose for most people to disclose such things to another or remain open long enough for another to obtain said information they have to trust that person, and I didn't want her to...
Wait. I wanted, but I didn't think it was for the best. Put two and two together.
I wished I could have those nights back for a second play through, the nights I heard her sing, talked to her about silly things, but I knew that was something I definitely couldn't change.
I wanted to not feel so much as an inkling of anything towards her, but the fact was I couldn't even manage as much as being around her without feeling... God knows what.
As soon as the 'study' had been 'brought down', I went out for a cigarette. Out loud, I prayed aloud for God's help on the whole thing, several other things but mainly the girl. Other things were easier to handle. She wasn't. It was like back when I was convinced my cat allergy was much worse than it was. I'd send myself into palpitation riddled panic attacks simply of my own worries' doing. I prayed for the whole duration of the cigarette.
I wished, as by some divine intervention, she'd come alongside me and say something. It didn't even make sense to me, thinking that thought myself. I not only had no idea as to what I'd wish she say, but also no idea why I wished for it.
If I were to ask myself from years ago I would've said science, because of chemistry, and because of the science behind falling in love, but at the moment I was very confused as I was quite certain it took two to tango and this was a party of one. I'd try to forget it, as I had been trying, trying to swallow it, push it away, hoping and praying to understand, but at this point it looked like I was just waiting patiently, watching brewing storm clouds and waiting only for a downpour.
So while I waited I silently and subconsciously built walls. Walls that left me unsure as to the word I felt for her was love as opposed to longing, comparing her to sweet things like candy and chocolate, arguing with myself while I tried to objectify her so I didn't see her so much as some divine creation or healthy entity, something that I'd believed had helped me grow.
It was quite difficult. The walls were very flimsy and didn't stand up, and they only made me feel weak when I remembered the reason for which I constructed them.
The bible also said things about coming to God with your problems rather than other people. Unfortunately that made me feel as if I couldn't ask anyone for advice, but then again, I was grateful, because at least I had solid reasoning to shut up rather than feeling like 'I'm not dealing with my emotions' and I wouldn't accidentally pick up bad advice.
I'd seen a post from some Christian talking about how her ex hadn't 'yet found Christ' and had 'been taking steps toward Christ' and then fell off after the break up saying she was 'disappointed' and 'you can't feel its your responsibility to save everyone'. Aside from feeling sour about her down-talking of an ex, I felt somewhat uplifted that I'd originally only wanted to seek the Team Jesus because of her, and instead of 'jumping ship' after she'd 'not wanted to lead me on' and stopped talking to me altogether I stood my ground, rather than make the typical move.
I mean, to my defense, or to the benefit of the devil's advocate, if you've been reading all of these, I'd already told myself (quite sadly) that there was no way anything were ever going to happen between she and I. Seriously, if you look at the first post,you'll see that I knew back then that this was not going to be a love story.
Heck, yesterday when she'd messaged me she'd addressed me as 'friend', which I found sadly humorous, given that she'd never accepted even my Facebook friend request, even going as far as making it so I couldn't request her as a friend.
I'd asked her why she'd messaged me asking if I'd be at bible study, but she said it was because she did it to everyone because it helped more people go to church.
All I could say was that it was a good thing. I liked to feel that I was easy to forget and that she had to have known that I relied on others for rides. I assumed that knowing my old culture, though, where males and females freely spoke to eachother all the time, and it was true she and I hadn't talked in God knows how long.
I needed to pray.
I felt the urge or need to pray so much that I grew loathsome to it. It felt like obsession.
She waved at me as I left bible study, I waved back making the most unintentionally sad face I've made in awhile without saying a word.
I didn't know what to say or what to do, how to act or feel anything besides stupefied.
It felt like trying to approach a girl at the bar. Taking the honesty approach?
"Hi! I'm speechless. Breathless, even."
It felt better to stay quiet.
In study they asked what our favorite part of creation was, I said it was specifically Genesis 1:6-8 KJV. I loved how they defined heaven. The other guys went off on tangents of what their favorite parts of everything that God created was, speaking as if they were under the influence of God as if he were a hallucinogenic substance. At least that's what it reminded me of. As amused as I was, I liked it, it further proved my Religion as a substitute for substance theory I'd been developing quietly. These guys had religion where others had LSD. Humans crave being in a state of awe. That's totally okay.
Wednesday proceeded to drag by agonizingly slow as if the clocks' hands had grown talon-like fingernails and it's face were a slab of chalkboard.
I longed to play guitar and to sing. I longed for warmer weather again; warmth I could run into and escape without worrying for getting sick and frostbite.
"Angel" by The Weeknd played in the back of my head.
<<<Previous ~29 October 2017~ ~2 November 2017~ Next>>>
It had been a couple years since I'd began meticulously seeking the definitions of terms I wasn't sure I truly knew the meaning of.
I didn't know whether I was in love with her or just paralyzed by her proximity.
I didn't know what was going to happen in court this week considering I wouldn't be there. My lawyer had asked me to prepare a couple of things in case my dismissal wasn't granted, but I didn't really see the good in fighting anymore and the things I'd been asked to prepare would've been exceedingly difficult to obtain while keeping the rest of the week in order.
It was Wednesday and I had the day off. My hours this week had been cut by nine for some reason but I was grateful for the free time.
I opened the Bible App last night after bible study was finished and the rest of the The Church Gang socialized. The app contains a tab where it says 'what the Bible says about' and then a variety of feelings that apparently most people look to the bible for help with. I gave it a shot.
Fear. Love. Anxiety. Worry. Desire. I don't remember exactly which ones I'd hit but I buzzed through all of them. Nothing really seemed to hit the right bell. Everything cross referenced itself, 'let go and let God' in simple terms, but all that left me with was me, being my paralyzed self, not knowing what to say or do, and because why?
"Got so much to lose, got so much to prove, God don't let me lose my mind. Trouble on my left, trouble on my right. I've been facing trouble almost all my life. My sweet love won't you put me through? Everywhere I go I catch a glimpse of you." - "Trouble" - Cage the Elephant
I felt The Serenity Prayer in the back of my head. I had to take a 'roll call' of everything I was feeling by some deductive reasoning. The wisdom to know the difference between the things I cannot change and the things I can needed some establishing of whatever those things were.
She didn't love me, at least in the way people would imagine I loved her. Did I want to change that? Not necessarily. I didn't think that would be for the good of anyone or anything.
She didn't want to talk to me, at least to the degree I wanted to talk to her. Did I want to change that? I supposed I wished it weren't so, but I also had found enough Bible verses that warranted me staying as far away from her as I could. The company of fools brings misery and harm, etc. I didn't want her to hurt.
I wanted to understand how she thought, what she thought, what went through her head, but I suppose for most people to disclose such things to another or remain open long enough for another to obtain said information they have to trust that person, and I didn't want her to...
Wait. I wanted, but I didn't think it was for the best. Put two and two together.
I wished I could have those nights back for a second play through, the nights I heard her sing, talked to her about silly things, but I knew that was something I definitely couldn't change.
I wanted to not feel so much as an inkling of anything towards her, but the fact was I couldn't even manage as much as being around her without feeling... God knows what.
As soon as the 'study' had been 'brought down', I went out for a cigarette. Out loud, I prayed aloud for God's help on the whole thing, several other things but mainly the girl. Other things were easier to handle. She wasn't. It was like back when I was convinced my cat allergy was much worse than it was. I'd send myself into palpitation riddled panic attacks simply of my own worries' doing. I prayed for the whole duration of the cigarette.
I wished, as by some divine intervention, she'd come alongside me and say something. It didn't even make sense to me, thinking that thought myself. I not only had no idea as to what I'd wish she say, but also no idea why I wished for it.
If I were to ask myself from years ago I would've said science, because of chemistry, and because of the science behind falling in love, but at the moment I was very confused as I was quite certain it took two to tango and this was a party of one. I'd try to forget it, as I had been trying, trying to swallow it, push it away, hoping and praying to understand, but at this point it looked like I was just waiting patiently, watching brewing storm clouds and waiting only for a downpour.
So while I waited I silently and subconsciously built walls. Walls that left me unsure as to the word I felt for her was love as opposed to longing, comparing her to sweet things like candy and chocolate, arguing with myself while I tried to objectify her so I didn't see her so much as some divine creation or healthy entity, something that I'd believed had helped me grow.
It was quite difficult. The walls were very flimsy and didn't stand up, and they only made me feel weak when I remembered the reason for which I constructed them.
The bible also said things about coming to God with your problems rather than other people. Unfortunately that made me feel as if I couldn't ask anyone for advice, but then again, I was grateful, because at least I had solid reasoning to shut up rather than feeling like 'I'm not dealing with my emotions' and I wouldn't accidentally pick up bad advice.
I'd seen a post from some Christian talking about how her ex hadn't 'yet found Christ' and had 'been taking steps toward Christ' and then fell off after the break up saying she was 'disappointed' and 'you can't feel its your responsibility to save everyone'. Aside from feeling sour about her down-talking of an ex, I felt somewhat uplifted that I'd originally only wanted to seek the Team Jesus because of her, and instead of 'jumping ship' after she'd 'not wanted to lead me on' and stopped talking to me altogether I stood my ground, rather than make the typical move.
I mean, to my defense, or to the benefit of the devil's advocate, if you've been reading all of these, I'd already told myself (quite sadly) that there was no way anything were ever going to happen between she and I. Seriously, if you look at the first post,you'll see that I knew back then that this was not going to be a love story.
Heck, yesterday when she'd messaged me she'd addressed me as 'friend', which I found sadly humorous, given that she'd never accepted even my Facebook friend request, even going as far as making it so I couldn't request her as a friend.
I'd asked her why she'd messaged me asking if I'd be at bible study, but she said it was because she did it to everyone because it helped more people go to church.
All I could say was that it was a good thing. I liked to feel that I was easy to forget and that she had to have known that I relied on others for rides. I assumed that knowing my old culture, though, where males and females freely spoke to eachother all the time, and it was true she and I hadn't talked in God knows how long.
I needed to pray.
I felt the urge or need to pray so much that I grew loathsome to it. It felt like obsession.
She waved at me as I left bible study, I waved back making the most unintentionally sad face I've made in awhile without saying a word.
I didn't know what to say or what to do, how to act or feel anything besides stupefied.
It felt like trying to approach a girl at the bar. Taking the honesty approach?
"Hi! I'm speechless. Breathless, even."
It felt better to stay quiet.
In study they asked what our favorite part of creation was, I said it was specifically Genesis 1:6-8 KJV. I loved how they defined heaven. The other guys went off on tangents of what their favorite parts of everything that God created was, speaking as if they were under the influence of God as if he were a hallucinogenic substance. At least that's what it reminded me of. As amused as I was, I liked it, it further proved my Religion as a substitute for substance theory I'd been developing quietly. These guys had religion where others had LSD. Humans crave being in a state of awe. That's totally okay.
Wednesday proceeded to drag by agonizingly slow as if the clocks' hands had grown talon-like fingernails and it's face were a slab of chalkboard.
I longed to play guitar and to sing. I longed for warmer weather again; warmth I could run into and escape without worrying for getting sick and frostbite.
"Angel" by The Weeknd played in the back of my head.
<<<Previous ~29 October 2017~ ~2 November 2017~ Next>>>
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