Would be the two best words I could describe myself with today. I needed to keep applying for jobs and I was sure that most of them were being taken quickly.
I felt so genuinely sick of filling out applications that I wanted nothing more than to just work.
Oh, and if I hadn't said this already, here's another interesting discovery:
In applying for more jobs, I'm almost already kicked out of every single one that does a background check. Assault charges never look any good to anyone, and people rarely give people a chance to explain themselves.
It was a feeling like wanting to walk to clear your head, but at the same time not wanting to move at all because you knew that there were other more urgent matters you needed to attend to.
I was trying to relax and failing miserably at it.
I longed to no longer want to kill time. It was all I ever did, I never felt like I made any progress except for when I was reading the Bible and even then I felt so lost. What was I looking forward to? What was God's plan? What was I not seeing that he so clearly wanted me to see?
I decided to take a walk.
After that walk, I'd failed to complete any of the tasks I'd set out to do that day.
Any of them.
The most notable thing I could think of was how incredible sad sitting down made me feel. Unfortunately, however, sitting down was almost required to complete job applications, send emails, and do anything that was remotely adult or business-like.
I wanted cigarettes, but not yellow teeth. I wanted money, but not a job. Life was a paradoxical chaotic mess for the moment and I wasn't having it.
I had absolutely no idea where my life was going at the moment and it frightened me. I'd become complacent, and what worse about my complacency was that absolutely no good had come of anything I'd been doing. I'd just liked the idea of goodness and therefore assumed that it was working.
Nope. I was wrong. Just as earlier that day, it had only taken me roughly thirteen minutes to become disgusted with myself.
As the bible said, the wicked can only rest once they've oppressed another. Well, dammit it was true. Here I was longing for company only to do wicked things.
I really couldn't tell if I was being too hard on myself or not hard enough at all.
I realized that applying for a job meant actually walking into places of business and asking whether or not they were hiring. I wouldn't hire me. I mean, I'd like to think that I would hire me, but really, I couldn't see anyone else wanting to hire me. My curly mess of hair and my goatee suggested that I was a rebel and my clothing confirmed it; my dressing would only make sense were I a native american.
I felt hopeless. I could give it all to God, but at the moment it didn't feel like that made any sense. God wasn't going to give me a job. He wanted me to look for one myself.
I needed company. Christ, of course, but company was a good idea.
I felt so genuinely sick of filling out applications that I wanted nothing more than to just work.
Oh, and if I hadn't said this already, here's another interesting discovery:
In applying for more jobs, I'm almost already kicked out of every single one that does a background check. Assault charges never look any good to anyone, and people rarely give people a chance to explain themselves.
It was a feeling like wanting to walk to clear your head, but at the same time not wanting to move at all because you knew that there were other more urgent matters you needed to attend to.
I was trying to relax and failing miserably at it.
I longed to no longer want to kill time. It was all I ever did, I never felt like I made any progress except for when I was reading the Bible and even then I felt so lost. What was I looking forward to? What was God's plan? What was I not seeing that he so clearly wanted me to see?
I decided to take a walk.
After that walk, I'd failed to complete any of the tasks I'd set out to do that day.
Any of them.
The most notable thing I could think of was how incredible sad sitting down made me feel. Unfortunately, however, sitting down was almost required to complete job applications, send emails, and do anything that was remotely adult or business-like.
I wanted cigarettes, but not yellow teeth. I wanted money, but not a job. Life was a paradoxical chaotic mess for the moment and I wasn't having it.
I had absolutely no idea where my life was going at the moment and it frightened me. I'd become complacent, and what worse about my complacency was that absolutely no good had come of anything I'd been doing. I'd just liked the idea of goodness and therefore assumed that it was working.
Nope. I was wrong. Just as earlier that day, it had only taken me roughly thirteen minutes to become disgusted with myself.
As the bible said, the wicked can only rest once they've oppressed another. Well, dammit it was true. Here I was longing for company only to do wicked things.
I really couldn't tell if I was being too hard on myself or not hard enough at all.
I realized that applying for a job meant actually walking into places of business and asking whether or not they were hiring. I wouldn't hire me. I mean, I'd like to think that I would hire me, but really, I couldn't see anyone else wanting to hire me. My curly mess of hair and my goatee suggested that I was a rebel and my clothing confirmed it; my dressing would only make sense were I a native american.
I felt hopeless. I could give it all to God, but at the moment it didn't feel like that made any sense. God wasn't going to give me a job. He wanted me to look for one myself.
I needed company. Christ, of course, but company was a good idea.
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