So, the latest: I'm employed. It's horridly cold outside. My law office contacted me about 'mediation' and 'pre-trial conferencing'. I'm so sickeningly amused by all of this legal drama anymore. It's just lawyers making more money off of their hourly by setting up conferences with other lawyers because two people couldn't figure out their problems without getting the legal system involved. Anyways, I'm planning on letting my lawyer know, or Stefany herself know, that they can have whatever they want with whatever it is they want because, for one, it's pointless to fight, and two, its not like anything means anything to anyone anyways.
Seriously, wanting to see Amelia won't do me any good any more, the only way I'm going to get any of that is by Stefany's mercy, and even then, the likelihood of me actually being in her life is so slim its like worrying if your lotto ticket is a winner. It's such a microscopic chance that its negligent and pointless to worry about. Yeah, I want to see my daughter because I love her. But is it worth being sad about or fighting over? Not a fucking chance. It's already cost me way to much money, cost Stefany way too much money, and the end result is that not a fucking thing has changed since the beginning of all of this bullshit.
Yeah, it makes me sad not seeing her, but I clearly have had more than my fair share of problems to deal with that I am completely on my own to understand and conquer and Amelia didn't ever need to be a part of that. Plus, from what I've seen in videos, she's far happier with her mom than she ever was with me, happier with her mom's family, and I can't blame her. Stefany was far more attached to her parents than I ever was mine, and I thought she'd be a good girlfriend because of that. Flaws aside, I knew she knew love better than I did.
Yeah, the notion of having to appear in court again pissed me off to no end, but what was I going to do about it? Life was so out of my hands at the moment that it didn't make any sense to worry about anything because I'd just wind up a worried mess, not solving a damn thing. I already got contempt for not showing up to the last court date. Whats next, jail? Probably. Who knows? I didn't have anything to do about it. I didn't know squat about any of this anymore except that I was broke and still looking for somewhere to stay. Life had traveled fast down the shitter but at least the only way was up. I was confused.
The sun finally came out. Thank God. The difference in temperature between the sun hiding behind clouds and showing it's face felt like twenty degrees. The wind hadn't been kind lately either. Mother nature herself ushered me to find a permanent place to stay much against my own wishes. I got a call back from someone offering a studio apartment for $500 a month with a $500 deposit. Great, I thought, that's only $1000 less than I have, transportation and eating aside. For me to eat and actually wind up at work on time looked like an entirely new ballgame. I wouldn't turn down from the challenge, though, even if I risked being frozen to death and broke. There didn't seem like there were any other options.
I figured I might as well e-mail the law firm that I had given up, if they hadn't already found that apparent. It wasn't really giving up so much as realizing some battles weren't even really meant to be battles and were based off of a giant misunderstanding of how things were meant to be or how society actually worked.
I sent it and logged out of my email. I hadn't used my old email address for anything except for Facebook in God knows how long anyways, and it remained full of spam and promotions for things someone as broke shouldn't even be giving a second thought to.
My stomach burned from wanting another cigarette. You know that burn, that feverish feeling in the pit of your stomach that you get when you want something. Lately mine had only burned for cigarettes, since every other substance was either off-limits per probation or legality or simply costed far more than I could afford. I needed my stomach to start burning for rent, as funny as it sounded. You know that pyramid of... something? Like the pieces of life-wellness? Well, I remained firmly planted at the bottom of that sucker.
I sat in the library playing free computer games until my computer session expired. The library only stayed open until four so I'd be leaving soon anyways. I thought I might as well kill as much time as I could before I went on to the next warm place. I put on an extra sweater and wrapped a pair of basketball shorts around my neck in a makeshift scarf. I couldn't deny I had gotten super bored at the computer. I thought about applying for classes but that didn't make any sense considering I had nowhere to stay for the time being. I wanted to do all sorts of things but the fact that I had no home-base changed all of that. I literally ground my teeth and simply took one day at a time. There wasn't much planning forward at this point, and talking to people sounded more like a past-time than an effective remedy for what, loneliness? Anyone who was lonely clearly had a lot more figured out in life than I did. I didn't want company. I wanted somewhere to rest my head. Unfortunately, unlike Metallica, wherever I lay my head wasn't going to be home if it was a bank of ice.
I'm not going to lie, I let everything else fall apart once I knew I wasn't going to be seeing Amelia anymore. As soon as fighting seemed pointless, it seemed pointless to fight, and I fell back on the fact that I didn't care about myself at all. At least I'd learned to fix that. I actually find it kind of humorous that the turn of events forced me to take care of myself, which was goofy because most people didn't have to learn to do that.
The only thing I was afraid of was going to jail or not being able to pay court fines for the contempt charge I was now looking at. Like, even if I got an apartment or found somewhere to stay that I was paying for, that would totally fry any chances of me keeping a job or keeping an apartment. Were the cards stacked against me? Yes. Was I scared? Yes, I'll admit it.
Life was topsy-turvy, and all I could think was, "Cool beans, man," because anything else seemed like it would make me lose my cool. (or whatever I had left of it.)
Seriously, wanting to see Amelia won't do me any good any more, the only way I'm going to get any of that is by Stefany's mercy, and even then, the likelihood of me actually being in her life is so slim its like worrying if your lotto ticket is a winner. It's such a microscopic chance that its negligent and pointless to worry about. Yeah, I want to see my daughter because I love her. But is it worth being sad about or fighting over? Not a fucking chance. It's already cost me way to much money, cost Stefany way too much money, and the end result is that not a fucking thing has changed since the beginning of all of this bullshit.
Yeah, it makes me sad not seeing her, but I clearly have had more than my fair share of problems to deal with that I am completely on my own to understand and conquer and Amelia didn't ever need to be a part of that. Plus, from what I've seen in videos, she's far happier with her mom than she ever was with me, happier with her mom's family, and I can't blame her. Stefany was far more attached to her parents than I ever was mine, and I thought she'd be a good girlfriend because of that. Flaws aside, I knew she knew love better than I did.
Yeah, the notion of having to appear in court again pissed me off to no end, but what was I going to do about it? Life was so out of my hands at the moment that it didn't make any sense to worry about anything because I'd just wind up a worried mess, not solving a damn thing. I already got contempt for not showing up to the last court date. Whats next, jail? Probably. Who knows? I didn't have anything to do about it. I didn't know squat about any of this anymore except that I was broke and still looking for somewhere to stay. Life had traveled fast down the shitter but at least the only way was up. I was confused.
The sun finally came out. Thank God. The difference in temperature between the sun hiding behind clouds and showing it's face felt like twenty degrees. The wind hadn't been kind lately either. Mother nature herself ushered me to find a permanent place to stay much against my own wishes. I got a call back from someone offering a studio apartment for $500 a month with a $500 deposit. Great, I thought, that's only $1000 less than I have, transportation and eating aside. For me to eat and actually wind up at work on time looked like an entirely new ballgame. I wouldn't turn down from the challenge, though, even if I risked being frozen to death and broke. There didn't seem like there were any other options.
I figured I might as well e-mail the law firm that I had given up, if they hadn't already found that apparent. It wasn't really giving up so much as realizing some battles weren't even really meant to be battles and were based off of a giant misunderstanding of how things were meant to be or how society actually worked.
I sent it and logged out of my email. I hadn't used my old email address for anything except for Facebook in God knows how long anyways, and it remained full of spam and promotions for things someone as broke shouldn't even be giving a second thought to.
My stomach burned from wanting another cigarette. You know that burn, that feverish feeling in the pit of your stomach that you get when you want something. Lately mine had only burned for cigarettes, since every other substance was either off-limits per probation or legality or simply costed far more than I could afford. I needed my stomach to start burning for rent, as funny as it sounded. You know that pyramid of... something? Like the pieces of life-wellness? Well, I remained firmly planted at the bottom of that sucker.
I sat in the library playing free computer games until my computer session expired. The library only stayed open until four so I'd be leaving soon anyways. I thought I might as well kill as much time as I could before I went on to the next warm place. I put on an extra sweater and wrapped a pair of basketball shorts around my neck in a makeshift scarf. I couldn't deny I had gotten super bored at the computer. I thought about applying for classes but that didn't make any sense considering I had nowhere to stay for the time being. I wanted to do all sorts of things but the fact that I had no home-base changed all of that. I literally ground my teeth and simply took one day at a time. There wasn't much planning forward at this point, and talking to people sounded more like a past-time than an effective remedy for what, loneliness? Anyone who was lonely clearly had a lot more figured out in life than I did. I didn't want company. I wanted somewhere to rest my head. Unfortunately, unlike Metallica, wherever I lay my head wasn't going to be home if it was a bank of ice.
I'm not going to lie, I let everything else fall apart once I knew I wasn't going to be seeing Amelia anymore. As soon as fighting seemed pointless, it seemed pointless to fight, and I fell back on the fact that I didn't care about myself at all. At least I'd learned to fix that. I actually find it kind of humorous that the turn of events forced me to take care of myself, which was goofy because most people didn't have to learn to do that.
The only thing I was afraid of was going to jail or not being able to pay court fines for the contempt charge I was now looking at. Like, even if I got an apartment or found somewhere to stay that I was paying for, that would totally fry any chances of me keeping a job or keeping an apartment. Were the cards stacked against me? Yes. Was I scared? Yes, I'll admit it.
Life was topsy-turvy, and all I could think was, "Cool beans, man," because anything else seemed like it would make me lose my cool. (or whatever I had left of it.)
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