So yeah, I haven't posted in awhile and a lot has happened. I'm sitting in the library again on the Tuesday morning of January 9th, 2017. I've started taking Abilify for borderline personality disorder and still take the Adderall and Xanax for the severe major depressive disorder and the panic disorder. There's a lot to explain with all that, and unfortunately because I've run out of Adderall until the next time I see my doctor since I've missed a couple of appointments, I don't think I'm focused enough at all to go into that kind of detailed recollection.
"A Single Moment of Sincerity," by Asking Alexandria is playing. It's a dubbed remix. Super sick. Yeah. I'm waiting for Danny to come by the library. I don't know what he and I are going to do. I accidentally took a book out of the library last time without checking it out, but now that I think about it more, I wonder if I actually did check it out and just forgot about it.
My left arm feels heavy. Apparently part of my heart isn't pumping electricity through it like it has in the past. I know that line alone sounds like it is worthy of further detail, but that's about all of the information I have. I suppose that I could detail in the info from MyUnityPoint Chart app on my phone, but I'll save that for later too.
To be perfectly honest I'm all kinds of restless after sitting in this chair for literally less than seven minutes. This is why I've been feeling drained lately; I can't seem to sit anywhere for more than five minutes without getting myself into a tizzy about how badly I want to change location or go somewhere else. Holy crap. I'm so bored angry happy sad frustrated flustered here. I want to go somewhere else but I have no idea where.
"All I Want," by A Day to Remember is now playing on my Spotify. I finally got new headphones. Cheap ones but the transaction ended up being pricey anyways because I paid for a donation and wound up getting one of those 'dumb' pop-up phone back things for people with big phones.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are nearing ten minutes and getting closer to more than 10,000 different possible distraction avenues. I need a pack of cigarettes. No I don't. I don't want to keep smoking cigarettes.
Correction: I want to keep smoking cigarettes. I don't want to smell like I smoke cigarettes. I don't want to be seen smoking cigarettes. I don't want to taste like cigarettes. I don't want to spend money on cigarettes. But by golly, I really want to smoke a cigarette or two right now. The fight rages on!
I'd managed to forget my RuneScape password completely for the upteenth time. I hoped I'd managed to cancel or time-out my membership so I wouldn't be getting charged for that idiotic membership, but then again I was the idiot that had started the membership that demanded an auto-renewal agreement in the first place.
"Mariana's Trench," by August Burns Red now played. I decided it was time for a walk around the pond outside the library. Cigarette-free.
The trip wound up not being cigarette-free. I found Danny just outside the library and practically begged him for a cigarette by the way I asked if he happened to have any. Camel no-filters. We spent the afternoon together killing some time at the gym on the elliptical and the movie theater. We saw about two-thirds of Insidious 3 before deciding the movie was a flop. I extended all of the chairs footrests before we deciding to leave the theater. We parted ways after he brought me to the 2-3-0, where the guys from The Church Gang either still lived or had lived at one point or another. He went home. I stayed at the 2-3-0 and read through James in the Bible and then left for Casey's to buy more nicotine gum. After that was Bible Study, and then after all of that hoopla I crashed back at the 2-3-0 around 10:00 PM before finally waking up the following morning around 11:30 AM.
I walked halfway to the library before calling an Uber. The weather outside had been similar to spring time but had dropped before I'd traveled more than two and a half hours. The weather was supposed to turn into a snow storm the following evening. I wasn't looking forward to that at all.
I had wound up drinking again the other day and now had to go to court because I had "violated the terms of probation". As cheesy as I thought it was, in all honesty I truly was at fault. I hated admitting it, but while I didn't think I had a "problem" with drinking I did agree that the terms of probation strictly adhered to 'abstain from all forms of liqour' and I hadn't abstained. I wouldn't have accidentally italicized this text if I hadn't accidentally underlined the precursing.
I remembered my RuneScape password, it oddly being the same password I'd thought I had tried on #day15. My fingers weren't cooperating with the Abilify as much as I had liked them too.
Lately staying awake had become more of a problem than getting to sleep. On the bright side, my vision was declining. I don't know why I said that with the preface, "on the bright side." What I meant to say was at least my self-observations had become more solidified. On a substance abuse evaluation I had to take I circled all of the the 'most depressed category' rather than before when I'd circle the most depressed AND the least depressed options. Solidarity was a good thing right? Life was confusing. I was halfway playing computer games, halfway not, fully wishing I was asleep. I decided to hop off the computer and try to take a nap in one of the library chairs.
"A Single Moment of Sincerity," by Asking Alexandria is playing. It's a dubbed remix. Super sick. Yeah. I'm waiting for Danny to come by the library. I don't know what he and I are going to do. I accidentally took a book out of the library last time without checking it out, but now that I think about it more, I wonder if I actually did check it out and just forgot about it.
My left arm feels heavy. Apparently part of my heart isn't pumping electricity through it like it has in the past. I know that line alone sounds like it is worthy of further detail, but that's about all of the information I have. I suppose that I could detail in the info from MyUnityPoint Chart app on my phone, but I'll save that for later too.
To be perfectly honest I'm all kinds of restless after sitting in this chair for literally less than seven minutes. This is why I've been feeling drained lately; I can't seem to sit anywhere for more than five minutes without getting myself into a tizzy about how badly I want to change location or go somewhere else. Holy crap. I'm so bored angry happy sad frustrated flustered here. I want to go somewhere else but I have no idea where.
"All I Want," by A Day to Remember is now playing on my Spotify. I finally got new headphones. Cheap ones but the transaction ended up being pricey anyways because I paid for a donation and wound up getting one of those 'dumb' pop-up phone back things for people with big phones.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are nearing ten minutes and getting closer to more than 10,000 different possible distraction avenues. I need a pack of cigarettes. No I don't. I don't want to keep smoking cigarettes.
Correction: I want to keep smoking cigarettes. I don't want to smell like I smoke cigarettes. I don't want to be seen smoking cigarettes. I don't want to taste like cigarettes. I don't want to spend money on cigarettes. But by golly, I really want to smoke a cigarette or two right now. The fight rages on!
I'd managed to forget my RuneScape password completely for the upteenth time. I hoped I'd managed to cancel or time-out my membership so I wouldn't be getting charged for that idiotic membership, but then again I was the idiot that had started the membership that demanded an auto-renewal agreement in the first place.
"Mariana's Trench," by August Burns Red now played. I decided it was time for a walk around the pond outside the library. Cigarette-free.
The trip wound up not being cigarette-free. I found Danny just outside the library and practically begged him for a cigarette by the way I asked if he happened to have any. Camel no-filters. We spent the afternoon together killing some time at the gym on the elliptical and the movie theater. We saw about two-thirds of Insidious 3 before deciding the movie was a flop. I extended all of the chairs footrests before we deciding to leave the theater. We parted ways after he brought me to the 2-3-0, where the guys from The Church Gang either still lived or had lived at one point or another. He went home. I stayed at the 2-3-0 and read through James in the Bible and then left for Casey's to buy more nicotine gum. After that was Bible Study, and then after all of that hoopla I crashed back at the 2-3-0 around 10:00 PM before finally waking up the following morning around 11:30 AM.
I walked halfway to the library before calling an Uber. The weather outside had been similar to spring time but had dropped before I'd traveled more than two and a half hours. The weather was supposed to turn into a snow storm the following evening. I wasn't looking forward to that at all.
I had wound up drinking again the other day and now had to go to court because I had "violated the terms of probation". As cheesy as I thought it was, in all honesty I truly was at fault. I hated admitting it, but while I didn't think I had a "problem" with drinking I did agree that the terms of probation strictly adhered to 'abstain from all forms of liqour' and I hadn't abstained. I wouldn't have accidentally italicized this text if I hadn't accidentally underlined the precursing.
I remembered my RuneScape password, it oddly being the same password I'd thought I had tried on #day15. My fingers weren't cooperating with the Abilify as much as I had liked them too.
Lately staying awake had become more of a problem than getting to sleep. On the bright side, my vision was declining. I don't know why I said that with the preface, "on the bright side." What I meant to say was at least my self-observations had become more solidified. On a substance abuse evaluation I had to take I circled all of the the 'most depressed category' rather than before when I'd circle the most depressed AND the least depressed options. Solidarity was a good thing right? Life was confusing. I was halfway playing computer games, halfway not, fully wishing I was asleep. I decided to hop off the computer and try to take a nap in one of the library chairs.
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